Insurance
FADE IN
A doctor's office. As his attractive NURSE sits nearby, writing on a steno
pad, the DOCTOR sits at a desk, opposite a wealthy, matronly PATIENT.
DOCTOR
Madame, I'm very sorry to state that you
cannot pass. Your physical condition is such
that I cannot grant you a policy.
PATIENT
Oh, I'm so sorry, Doctor. I had hoped that I
could get one today.
Doctor and Patient rise.
DOCTOR
Well, you can try again in two or three months.
Perhaps then the condition will right itself.
PATIENT
All right, Doctor. Thank you. Goodbye.
DOCTOR
Goodbye.
The Patient exits.
DOCTOR
(to the Nurse)
You, uh, made the notes on that case?
NURSE
Mm hmm.
A second patient enters: SIDNEY B. ZWIEBACK, a little Jewish man who wears a
suit and hat. He hops up and down nervously. The Doctor and Nurse look at him
as he stands in the middle of the office, shaking agitatedly.
DOCTOR
What's the matter with you?
SIDNEY
Nothing. I'm all right.
DOCTOR
What's wrong? What--?
SIDNEY
No, nothing wrong.
DOCTOR
What's happened to you anyway?
SIDNEY
Nothing is happening. I'm all right.
DOCTOR
Something is wrong with you.
SIDNEY
No, it's not, Doctor.
DOCTOR
But why are you jumping up and down like that?
SIDNEY
(unbuttons jacket, shows
off a pocket watch)
I bought a second hand watch. If I don't do
this, it won't go. You see what I mean? I'm all
right, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Take off your hat.
SIDNEY
Thank you very much.
Sidney hangs his hat on a nearby hat stand as the Doctor sits at his desk.
DOCTOR
What brought you here anyway?
SIDNEY
I, eh, came to get some insurance.
DOCTOR
Mm hm. Young man, I don't think you can pass.
SIDNEY
You give me a pair of dice, I'll show you
whether I can pass or not.
Sidney sits opposite the Doctor.
DOCTOR
Sit down there. Were you sent to me?
SIDNEY
Yes. You know, three companies turned me down.
DOCTOR
Oh. What companies rejected you?
SIDNEY
The New York.
DOCTOR
Yes?
SIDNEY
New Haven and Hartford.
DOCTOR
What's your name?
SIDNEY
Sidney B. Zwieback.
DOCTOR
Your nationality?
SIDNEY
Irish.
DOCTOR
What?!
SIDNEY
Well, that is, I'm Irish and Jewish. You see,
my mother married my father--
DOCTOR
On what side are you Jewish?
SIDNEY
On the East side.
DOCTOR
Born?
SIDNEY
Yes, sir.
DOCTOR
Why?
Sidney gives the Doctor a look.
DOCTOR
Business?
SIDNEY
Terrible.
DOCTOR
Have you any ailments?
SIDNEY
I can't sleep at night.
DOCTOR
You can't sleep?
SIDNEY
Can't sleep.
DOCTOR
Oh. Insomnia?
SIDNEY
No, Doctor, I can't sleep.
DOCTOR
Well, why can't you sleep?
SIDNEY
I can't find a place.
DOCTOR
Well, when you do sleep, how do you sleep?
SIDNEY
I sleep like this, very gently, can hardly hear
me.
Sidney briefly pretends to sleep: closes his eyes, puts his hands together,
and places them against his face.
DOCTOR
Who do you sleep with?
SIDNEY
My brother.
DOCTOR
Your brother, eh? How does he sleep?
SIDNEY
Sleeps like this!
Sidney demonstrates by suddenly putting a leg on the Doctor's shoulder. Doctor
pushes the leg away.
DOCTOR
Stop that! What's the matter with you?!
SIDNEY
That's why I can't sleep!
DOCTOR
You, uh, drink anything?
SIDNEY
Anything.
DOCTOR
Have you been intoxicated in the past five years?
SIDNEY
Doctor, I've been cock-eyed.
Sidney hops into the Doctor's lap. Doctor pushes him back into his chair.
DOCTOR
Here, stop that! Get over there!
SIDNEY
Any of your relatives or ancestors ever die an
unnatural death?
SIDNEY
(rolls his eyes, sadly)
Oh, my grandfather.
DOCTOR
Your grandfather, eh?
SIDNEY
Died of throat trouble.
DOCTOR
Throat trouble?
SIDNEY
They hung him.
DOCTOR
Did you ever have an accident?
SIDNEY
Never.
DOCTOR
Not even one accident?
SIDNEY
Not even one accident.
DOCTOR
Oh, you must have had an accident. Now, think.
SIDNEY
(reluctantly)
Well, it was really close to one.
DOCTOR
Now, now. Tell me, tell me.
SIDNEY
You know-- Oh, maybe I ought not to tell you,
Doctor.
DOCTOR
Ohhh, you can tell the doctor anything.
SIDNEY
You know, last summer, I was on my vacation.
DOCTOR
Yes?
SIDNEY
And, when I was in the country, I stooped over
to pick up a daisy. You know how a fellow will
stoop over?
Sidney briefly demonstrates how he stoops over to pick up a daisy, then sits
again.
DOCTOR
Yes, yes.
SIDNEY
And a bull came along and pitched me right over
the fence.
DOCTOR
(chuckles)
Well, don't you call that an accident?
SIDNEY
No. The darn bull did it on purpose.
DOCTOR
Did the bull do any damage?
SIDNEY
Hurt my arm.
DOCTOR
Oh, is that so? Well, stand up and let me see
how badly he damaged it.
Sidney rises and points to his left arm which he holds out at hip level.
SIDNEY
I can't raise my arm higher than this since the
bull threw me over.
DOCTOR
Oh, is that so?
SIDNEY
Yeah.
DOCTOR
And before the accident, how high could you
raise it?
SIDNEY
Oh, way up!
(flings his left arm over his head)
I could do anything. I used to go rowing ...
(pretends to row)
... take exercises ...
(touches his knees)
... shoot crap with both hands.
(pretends to shake dice)
DOCTOR
(sighs at Sidney's stupidity)
How long can a man live without brains?
SIDNEY
I don't know.
(sits)
How old are you?
DOCTOR
Forty-two ...
(realizes he's been
insulted, recovers)
How's your hearing?
SIDNEY
I don't get you.
DOCTOR
(louder)
How's your hearing?!
SIDNEY
(points to his own ear)
I can't make out what--
DOCTOR
(leans toward Sidney, loudest)
How's your hearing?!!
SIDNEY
(a little annoyed)
All right! All right!
DOCTOR
I better test your eyesight. Stand over there.
Sidney rises and walks to the center of the office.
DOCTOR
Face me. Put your heels together. Now, what's
this?
Doctor holds up a round metal platter, about the size of a large dinner plate.
SIDNEY
A half a dollar.
Doctor BANGS the plate down.
DOCTOR
Young man, you need glasses.
SIDNEY
Yeah, with beer in 'em.
DOCTOR
Sit down here.
(Sidney sits)
Think I'll test your heart.
SIDNEY
You know, Doctor--
(clears throat)
I always have a little pain around my heart
after eating.
DOCTOR
Well, don't worry about that. That'll go away.
SIDNEY
Yeah -- and I'll go with it.
DOCTOR
Now, take a deep breath and say, "Mama."
Doctor puts his ear to Sidney's heart. Sidney sucks in air noisily.
SIDNEY
Mama.
DOCTOR
Louder. Mama.
SIDNEY
(more loud sucking of air)
Mama.
DOCTOR
Up higher. Mama.
SIDNEY
Up higher, Mama.
DOCTOR
Just "Mama."
SIDNEY
Just Mama.
DOCTOR
Plain "Mama."
SIDNEY
Sweet Mama!
Sidney tries to hug and kiss the Doctor who pushes him back.
DOCTOR
Stop that!
SIDNEY
I thought you wanted to play.
DOCTOR
Take off your clothes.
SIDNEY
(rises, shocked)
Doctor!
DOCTOR
Go on, take them off.
SIDNEY
You don't know me well enough.
DOCTOR
Take them off.
SIDNEY
Listen ...
Sidney gestures toward the Nurse.
DOCTOR
Oh, she understands.
SIDNEY
(coyly removes his jacket)
Well, I understand, too.
Doctor rises and approaches Sidney.
DOCTOR
Stand up straight.
Doctor taps on Sidney's chest. Suddenly, Sidney objects.
SIDNEY
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh!
(pulls a cheap cigar out
of his vest pocket, grins)
Ten cents is ten cents!
Doctor finishes tapping.
DOCTOR
Roll up your sleeve. I'm gonna take your blood
pressure.
Sidney rolls up his sleeve and sits.
SIDNEY
Well, is it gonna hurt me, Doctor?
DOCTOR
No, it won't hurt you a bit.
Doctor straps the cuff to Sidney's arm.
SIDNEY
You know, you know, that's what my dentist
tells me -- won't hurt me a bit. I don't like
that business.
DOCTOR
Never mind. Now, don't worry...
SIDNEY
Oh, Doc! I'm afraid to look! The blood pressure!
DOCTOR
Now, it's all right.
SIDNEY
I'll close my eyes so I don't know what you're
doing.
DOCTOR
That's right. Quiet, quiet.
As the Doctor pumps up the cuff, we hear: HONK HONK HONK HONK -- The Doctor
fails to see Sidney gesture to the Nurse sitting nearby and flirting silently
with her, rolling his eyes and grinning.
DOCTOR
Lord, what a blood pressure. Hundred and sixty,
hundred and eighty, hundred and ninety, two
hundred, two ten-- What makes your blood
pressure so high?
SIDNEY
Two reasons, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Well, what are they?
SIDNEY
(points to the Nurse's
pretty legs)
There they are.
DOCTOR
Now, never mind about her dress. She's in style.
SIDNEY
No, she's not. Not if she's wearing short
dresses. You know, the women are wearing long
ones now.
DOCTOR
Oh, some of them are, yes.
Sidney rises and puts on his jacket.
SIDNEY
Yes and most of them, most of them-- In fact,
Doctor, uh, there's been quite a controversy.
Listen:
MUSIC in as Sidney sings a goofy pop song called "Now That the Girls are
Wearing Long Dresses":
SIDNEY
(sings the verse)
Women are debating, some claim it's a shame
To wear any skirts that are long
(sits)
Others say it's wonderful to wear them again
Those bathing suit dresses were wrong
But the men cry, "Paris, you're right -- and how! --
For bringing back the old style now!"
(sings the chorus)
For now that the girls are wearing long dresses
Men will keep their minds on their work
You know, a guy can't work in an office, you know
And have two things distracting him so
Now you can bet that Wifey won't worry
Whom Hubby hires in his place
A well-built baby won't like it but then
The bow-legged girl is in her glory again
For now that the girls are wearing long dresses
We look 'em straight in the face
Sidney rises to dance and sing the second chorus:
SIDNEY
(sings)
Now that the girls are wearing long dresses
Men will throw their glasses away
Why we wore glasses the reason is plain
Our eyes were under a terrible strain
And musical plays will do a big business
And I'm glad for Flo Ziegfeld's sake
For instance:
Why should men pay four forty a seat
When they got a free show every day on the street?
Now that the girls are wearing long dresses
We look 'em straight in the face
The song ends. Doctor and Nurse applaud.
DOCTOR
That's very good.
SIDNEY
Thank you, Doctor.
Sidney shakes the Doctor's hand and sits.
DOCTOR
I enjoyed it very much. Uh, sing me another one.
SIDNEY
No, I can't. The minute I sing one song and get
excited, I get awful headaches. In fact, I
suffer with headaches all the time.
DOCTOR
(sympathetically)
Awwww.
SIDNEY
I've got one now.
DOCTOR
You have, eh?
SIDNEY
Yes.
DOCTOR
Well, why don't you do what I do when I have a
headache?
SIDNEY
What do you do, Doctor?
DOCTOR
Well, I-- If I have a headache, I go home. My
wife meets me at the door ...
SIDNEY
Mm hmm.
DOCTOR
She takes me into the parlor.
SIDNEY
Yes?
DOCTOR
I sit on her lap.
SIDNEY
Oh.
DOCTOR
She puts her arms around me.
SIDNEY
Ohhh.
DOCTOR
We cuddle up.
SIDNEY
Yes?
DOCTOR
And she kisses me.
(snaps his fingers)
The headache disappears.
SIDNEY
What time will your wife be home?
DOCTOR
Eh?!
Sidney jumps up and backs away apologetically.
SIDNEY
I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, Doctor.
Doctor rises and approaches Sidney.
DOCTOR
Did anyone ever take your reflexes?
SIDNEY
Oh, I don't think you should ask me such a
question, Doctor.
DOCTOR
Get up there on that table.
Doctor lifts Sidney onto a table.
SIDNEY
(nervously)
What are you gonna do?
DOCTOR
Cross your legs.
SIDNEY
Yes?
Sidney crosses his legs.
DOCTOR
Close your eyes.
SIDNEY
Uh huh.
Sidney closes his eyes.
DOCTOR
Doctor won't hurt you.
SIDNEY
Yes?
Doctor pulls a wooden rod from under the table and WHACKS Sidney on the knee
with it. Sidney slowly gets off the table, whining in pain, takes his hat off
the stand and puts it on his head.
SIDNEY
Oooooooh, Doctor! You shouldn't have done that!
Oh, you fooled me!
Doctor watches with a grin as Sidney, using the hat stand as a crutch, limps
painfully out of the office, whining as he exits.
SIDNEY
I thought you were gonna do something nice! And
now you hit me right in the leg! You shouldn't
do that, Doctor!
FADE OUT
MUSIC OVER END TITLE
Cast:
SIDNEY ... Eddie Cantor
DOCTOR ... Charles C. Wilson