The Cocoanuts



EXT. BEACH MONTAGE - DAY

CLOSE SHOT: a woman's face obscured by a  see-through  parasol  as
she twirls it.

LONG  SHOT  of  the  crowded  beach:  palm trees; the shoreline; a
lifeguard stand; a waiter  brings  a  tray  to  one  of  the  many
beach-side  tables;  couples  slow  dance incongruously to uptempo
MUSIC; hotel guests sit at tables beneath large umbrellas; a  line
of girls play leap frog on the sand; we DISSOLVE TO:

A  CLOSER  VIEW  of  leap  frogging  girls in their 1920s tank-top
swimsuits.

DISSOLVE TO:

MED.  SHOT  of  an  attractive  sunbathing  woman  stretched   out
languorously in a beach chair.


DISSOLVE  TO:  the  steps  of the hotel terrace where a manly life
guard scans the beach with  binoculars.  Two  adoring  life  guard
groupies  sit on either side of him, their heads on his shoulders.
Hotel guests dance in the background.

CUT TO what the life guard is presumably observing: twenty shapely
girls in four  rows  of  five  each,  wearing  matching  tank  top
swimsuits and doing a calisthenics routine that looks suspiciously
like a dance number to the tune of Irving Berlin's "Florida By the
Sea" ...

In case we are not getting enough "leg art" shoved at us, there is
ANOTHER  ANGLE  of  the girls with a second sunbather languorously
stretched out in a beach chair and lighting  a  cigarette  in  the
foreground  as  the  exercising  girls kick up a lot of sand. They
drop to the ground as we CUT TO

A LONG SHOT of the girls doing a variety of boring leg kicks  from
prone  positions  as  affluent  beach  bums look on indifferently.
Finally, the girls rise to do some more kicking  from  a  standing
position. We CUT TO

The  life  guard, still scanning the beach with his binoculars, as
an unseen chorus begins to sing:

UNSEEN CHORUS:

(sings) In the lovely land of Florida Sunny Florida by the sea


All the sunshine in America Is in Florida, you'll agree

When they're freezing up north Sneezing up north Always it's  July
the Fourth

In the lovely land of Florida Sunny Florida by the sea

Over  the  song,  we  DISSOLVE TO a couple of smiling women on the
sand, one smokes a cigarette and the other  just  lies  there  and
crosses  her  legs.  For  no  good reason, we FADE QUICKLY OUT AND
RIGHT BACK IN on another life guard who, unlike the previous  one,
scans  the  beach without binoculars, is standing up, and has only
one girl clinging to him. DISSOLVE TO rich,  female  hotel  guests
wearing  the  latest  hats  and  seated at a beach side table as a
waiter serves them drinks. Other guests stroll  or  dance  in  the
background.  We  catch  a  glimpse  of some of the girls, who have
apparently completed their exercise routine, running up the  steps
toward the hotel as the song comes to an end.

CUT TO:

A sign reads: HOTEL DE COCOANUT

CUT TO:



INT. HOTEL LOBBY - THE STAIRS - DAY

It's  the  middle  of  the  afternoon and MR. HAMMER, who runs the
hotel, walks stiffly  down  the  stairs,  apparently  having  just
awakened.  We  first  catch  sight  of  him, a cigar in his mouth,
putting  on  his  frock  coat.  He  wears  glasses  and  a   black
greasepaint  mustache. A mob of thirteen bellboys confronts him at
the landing. [NOTE: The first bellboy is a boy. The  rest  of  the
bellboys  are  girls, maybe the same girls who were kicking on the
beach.]

BELLBOY:

We want to see you, Mr. Hammer!

HAMMER:

What's the matter? Somebody pay their bill?

BELLBOYS:


We want our money!

BELLBOY:

Yes, money.

HAMMER:

You want your money?

BELLBOY:

We wanna get paid.


HAMMER:

Ohhhh! You want my money. Is that fair?  Do  I  want  your  money?
Suppose  George  Washington's  soldiers had asked for money. Where
would this country be today?

BELLBOY:

But they did ask.

HAMMER:

And where's Washington? No, my friends, no. Money will never  make
you  happy.  And  happy will never make you money. That might be a
wise crack but I doubt it.

BELLBOYS:


We want our money!

HAMMER:

I'll make you all a promise. If you'll all stick with me and  work
hard,  we'll  forget about money. Let's get together. We'll make a
regular hotel out of this place. I'll put  writing  paper  in  the
hotel. Next year, if you behave yourselves, I'll put in envelopes.
I'm  gonna put extra blankets free in all your rooms - there'll be
no cover charge.

Having exchanged glances with one another during the above speech,
the bellboys [or girls] seem mollified.

BELLBOYS:

Hooray!

HAMMER:


Think! Think of the opportunities here  in  Florida.  Three  years
ago,  I  came  to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now, I've
got a nickel in my pocket.

BELLBOY:

That's all very well, Mr. Hammer, but we haven't been paid in  two
weeks and we want our wages!

HAMMER:

Wages? Do you want to be wage slaves, answer me that.

BELLBOYS:

(unenthusiastic) No.


HAMMER:

No, of course not. Well, what makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you
to  be  free.  Remember,  there's  nothing  like  Liberty - except
Collier's and the Saturday Evening Post. Be free, my friends.  One
for  all,  and  all for me, and me for you, and three for five and
six for a quarter.

JAMISON, a young man who might well be  Hammer's  younger  brother
but  who  is  in fact his conservatively dressed assistant, enters
from the lobby and hands a telegram to Hammer.

JAMISON:

Pardon me. Couple of telegrams for you, Mr. Hammer.

HAMMER:

(to the bellboys) There you are. Business is beginning to pick  up
already. Now, if you gir-boys will only be calm...


(reads telegram) Uh huh.

(reads  aloud)  "We  arrive  this  afternoon  on  the 4:30. Kindly
reserve two floors and three ceilings."

(aside) Must be mice.

(reads) "If we like your property, we will immediately buy it."

(to the delighted bellboys) See that? Things have started our  way
already.


JAMISON:

Who's it from?

HAMMER:

(reads) Western Union.

(to  the  bellboys)  And  they've  got a lot of money, too. On the
4:15, eh? Well, I'll take the bus down myself.

JAMISON:


Here's another one, Mr. Hammer.

Jamison hands a second telegram to Hammer who opens it.

HAMMER:

(to the bellboys) See? We're gonna be  stuffed  by  tonight.  This
hotel  will  be so crowded that we'll be turning away thousands of
people.

(reads telegram) "If there's  another  hotel  in  Cocoanut  Beach,
cancel our reservation."

(aside) I knew it. It was too good.


The bellboys groan in disappointment.

HAMMER:

Wait a minute -

(reads)  "P.S.  Aunt Fanny had an eight pound boy. Can you come to
the wedding?"

(to  the  bellboys)  You  see?  Everything  is  all  right,  boys.
Everything is all right. You're all invited to the wedding of Aunt
Fanny's eight pound boy.

BELLBOYS:


Hooray!

HAMMER:

However, that won't be for a couple of years yet. In the meantime,
I want you to buck up. Get down to work. Let's put this thing over
with  a  bang.  And, above all, forget about money. Don't think of
it. Just forget about it because you won't get it anyway.

BELLBOYS:

(totally brainwashed) Hooray! Hooray!

Hammer exits, talking with Jamison and followed by the one bellboy
with balls. The rest of the dozen bellboys [or girls] line  up  in
two rows ...

BELLBOYS:


Hooray!

...  and  on  the  third "Hooray!," the MUSIC for a song allegedly
called "The Bell Hop" starts up. The girls shake  hands  and  then
march  onto  the  stairs  where they do a funky, synchronized hand
jive routine. Eventually, they kick their  way  down  the  stairs,
into  the lobby, and, mercifully, out of the lobby. The music ends
as we CUT TO.


INT. FRONT DESK - CONTINUOUS

The desk,  a  concave  curve,  is  equipped  with  all  the  usual
paraphernalia including a cash register, call-bells, phones, pens,
etc.  Jamison,  behind the desk, and Hammer, out front and leaning
on it, watch the bellboys dance off.

HAMMER:

See that? I keep 'em dancing for their money.

JAMISON:


Yeah.

HAMMER:

Jamison, I'm going down and meet the 4:15.

JAMISON:

Yeah.

HAMMER:

If I never come back, you'll know I'm still waiting for the train.


JAMISON:

Yes, sir.

HAMMER:

And, uh, in my absence, I'm relying on you to take  good  care  of
everything.

JAMISON:

Well, you can depend upon me, sir.

HAMMER:


That's fine. If any guests come in, take good care of them.

JAMISON:

Yeah.

HAMMER:

(offers his hand) And think of me, Jamison.

JAMISON:


(takes his hand) You bet I will.

HAMMER:

I'll be back someday.

JAMISON:

(puts a hand on Hammer's shoulder) All right.

HAMMER:


Keep a light burning in the window.

JAMISON:

Yes, sir.

HAMMER:

If you can find a window.

JAMISON:

All right, sir.


HAMMER:

Good-bye, Jamison.

JAMISON:

Good-bye.

Jamison watches Hammer exit.

CUT TO:


EXT. HOTEL TERRACE - DAY


The  beautiful  but unethical socialite PENELOPE discovers her old
partner in crime, the oily but glum HARVEY  YATES,  sitting  at  a
table.

PENELOPE:

Hello, Harvey. Why so downhearted? Is Bob Adams cutting you out of
Polly Potter?

HARVEY YATES:

I'm not worried about a hotel clerk.

PENELOPE:

No,  but  I'll  bet  you're worried about the Potter millions. You
generally could use money in the old days.


HARVEY YATES:

Lay off that stuff.

PENELOPE:

You know, marrying Polly is the only way for you  to  square  your
debts.

HARVEY YATES:

I can take care of myself.

PENELOPE:


I doubt it.

(sits  with him) Suppose I have a little plan that'll take care of
both of us?

HARVEY YATES:

What do you mean?

The CAMERA clumsily DOLLIES IN for a TWO-SHOT.

PENELOPE:

Have you ever seen that diamond necklace of Mrs. Potter's?


HARVEY YATES:

You bet I have. What's that got to do with us?

Harvey lights Penelope's cigarette.

PENELOPE:

Her room and my room are right next to each other.  Hers  is  318.
Mine, 320. The door between is unlocked.

HARVEY YATES:

Well?


PENELOPE:

She keeps everything in a jewel case locked up in her dresser. The
key is always in her bag. That's what you've got to get.

HARVEY YATES:

It's  a  large  order.  But maybe it can be done. Suppose I invite
Mrs. Potter and Polly to take supper with me tonight.

PENELOPE:

What then?

HARVEY YATES:


Sometime during the evening, I might be able to get the key out of
her bag.

PENELOPE:

Now you're talking. That sounds more like old times. And I'll  try
to get rid of Bob Adams for you.

CUT TO:


EXT. BEACH - DAY

Lovers  BOB  ADAMS  and POLLY POTTER sit out by the hotel. Bob, an
old guy with greasy black hair, is supposed to  be  a  sympathetic
young guy who works as a clerk at the hotel. He sits with a map in
his  lap as Polly, a cute young blonde looks on. They sit there in
silence for a long, long moment waiting patiently for the MUSIC to
start. Guests  are  visible  in  the  background  dancing  to  the
silence.  Finally,  the MUSIC starts. And the two lovers magically
come to life. The tune is Irving Berlin's  "When  My  Dreams  Come
True." Bob grins and points to the map.

BOB ADAMS:


Now, this is Cocoanut Manor. You know that hill?

POLLY POTTER:

What a question! Do I know that cunning little hill?

BOB ADAMS:

It's  cunning  all  right.  But  that's  why there hasn't been any
development here.

POLLY POTTER:

Couldn't it be cut down?


BOB ADAMS:

Too expensive. Now, here's what happened.  John  W.  Berryman  was
here  to  see  it last month. You know, Berryman practically built
Palm Beach and Miami. But he said he  wouldn't  touch  this.  Now,
when  a man like that passes a place up, no one wants it. You know
anything about architecture?

POLLY POTTER:

No. But I'd love to learn.

BOB ADAMS:

Well, I made a drawing of the whole place showing that hill  as  a
built-up  scheme without cutting down the hill or having it get in
the way. I, uh, I made the hill  fit  in  with  the  architectural
scheme.  I  sent  Berryman a copy last-last week and his secretary
wrote me a nice note saying they were studying my plans.

POLLY POTTER:


That's thrilling. Does Mr. Hammer know about it?

BOB ADAMS:

Not yet. But if he takes it, I'll design  the  buildings.  Ha  ha!
Say, I may be an architect yet.

POLLY POTTER:

Oh,  if he only does! I'm sure it will be the most beautiful place
in the world.

BOB ADAMS:

It will be ... if you live there. Look.  See  what  I've  written?
"Heaven ... for Polly and me."


POLLY POTTER:

That looks great. When do I move in?

BOB ADAMS:

Any day now.

POLLY POTTER:

It's a lovely dream, Bob. Let's make it come true.

Bob sings a chorus of "When My Dreams Come True":


BOB ADAMS:

(sings) The skies will all be blue When my dreams come true

And I'll be smiling through When my dreams come true

That  Spanish  castle  I built in my mind Will be a love nest, the
practical kind

And I'll be there with you When my dreams come true

Then Bob and Polly sing the verse:

BOB ADAMS:


(sings) Ever since I met you All that I seem to do is dream

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) Wonderful dreams

BOB ADAMS:

(sings) Heaven's before my eyes When will I realize my dreams


POLLY POTTER:

(sings) Wonderful dreams

Now, Polly sings the chorus:

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) The skies will all be blue When my dreams come true

And I'll be smiling through When my dreams come true


That Spanish castle I build in my mind Will be a  love  nest,  the
practical kind

And I'll be there with you

POLLY AND BOB:

(singing together) When my dreams come true

Bob  covers  his and Polly's face with a small parasol as the song
ends and they kiss. While still behind the parasol, our  villains,
Harvey Yates and Penelope, enter and stand over the two lovers.

HARVEY YATES:


Will you look at that?

PENELOPE:

I am looking.

HARVEY YATES:

Well, it's darn cute.

(ironic) I wonder who it can be.

PENELOPE:


Let's find out.

Bob,  realizing  he's  been caught, pretends to be telling Polly a
story.

BOB ADAMS:

Then Little Red Riding Hood said to the wolf:  Woof,  woof,  woof,
woof, woof, woof.

PENELOPE:

(to Bob and Polly) Hello.

BOB ADAMS:


Oh, hello.

PENELOPE:

How do you do, Miss Potter?

POLLY POTTER:

Hello.

Bob rises and stands with Harvey Yates and Penelope.

HARVEY YATES:


Your mother is looking for you, Polly.

POLLY POTTER:

She  generally  is.  And  she generally finds me. You know Mother.
Thanks a lot.

(rises, to Bob) It was a lovely story, Mr. Adams. I'd like to hear
the rest of it sometime. Good-bye.

Bob mouths a good-bye and Polly exits.

PENELOPE:

I wonder if I could hear it sometime.


BOB ADAMS:

With pleasure. How 'bout you, Yates?

HARVEY YATES:

No, thanks. You know what happens to  bad  little  boys  who  tell
stories.

BOB ADAMS:

Certainly. They marry the beautiful princess. So long.

(sings  as he exits into hotel) And I'll be there with you When my
dreams come true


Harvey Yates and Penelope stand like  statues  as  Bob  makes  his
musical  exit.  They wait patiently for the MUSIC to end and, when
it finally does, they spring to life.

PENELOPE:

Nice boy. The kind who usually gets what he wants.

HARVEY YATES:

Not always. I might win out yet.

PENELOPE:

Well ... miracles do happen.


Harvey Yates gives Penelope a dirty look and she smiles at him.

CUT TO:


INT. HOTEL LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Polly enters and meets her mother,  MRS.  POTTER,  a  large,  rich
widow. They make their way across the lobby to the elevator during
the following exchange:

MRS. POTTER:

Well, Polly, you've been out again with Mr. Adams.


POLLY POTTER:

But only for a little while, Mother.

MRS. POTTER:

Why  a daughter of mine should fool around with a hotel clerk when
she has the opportunity of marrying one of  the  Boston  Yates  is
more than I can understand.

POLLY POTTER:

Oh,  who  cares about the Boston Yates? Anyway, Bob isn't a clerk.
He's an architect. He's only clerking until he can get started.

MRS. POTTER:


One who clerks, Polly, is a clerk - and that  settles  it.  And  I
want  you  to  remember that no Potter has ever been involved in a
single scandal.

POLLY POTTER:

How about Uncle Dick?

MRS. POTTER:

Polly, it's a well-known fact that your uncle  was  drunk  at  the
time.

They disappear into the elevator.

MRS. POTTER'S VOICE:


And another thing, young lady, I'm quite tired of your sitting out
on the beach at all hours ...

The elevator door closes.

CUT TO:


INT. HOTEL LOBBY - LATER

Jamison  is asleep at the front desk. Hammer enters and shakes him
awake.

HAMMER:

Hey! Hey! Why don't you take  something  for  that  insomnia?  You
ought to cut out drinking so much coffee.


JAMISON:

I'm sorry, sir. Say, any luck with the 4:30?

HAMMER:

Yes, it didn't hit me. That's the only luck I had with it.

JAMISON:

Mr. Hammer, I think I know what's wrong with the hotel.

HAMMER:


I  think  I  know, too. You're fired. Get your hat and my coat and
get out.

JAMISON:

Maybe the season hasn't started yet.

HAMMER:

Maybe the hotel isn't opened yet.

JAMISON:

Don't worry, Mr. Hammer. In a few weeks, you'll be cleaning up.


HAMMER:

Yes, and making the beds. Go on, get out of  here.  I  can  handle
this  rush  myself. Six hundred rooms in the hotel and you have to
sleep here.

Jamison exits. Mrs. Potter enters so abruptly that ...

MRS. POTTER:

How do you do, Mr. Hammer?

... she startles Hammer, who reacts.

HAMMER:


Why don't you whistle at the crossing? You're just the  woman  I'm
looking  for  and  now, whether you like it or not, I'm gonna tell
you about Florida real estate. It's the first time it's ever  been
mentioned down here today.

MRS. POTTER:

I'm sorry but I'm not-

HAMMER:

(interrupts)  Uh  uh. You know that property values have increased
nineteen twenty-nine since one thousand per cent? Do you know that
this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker? Do  you  know
that Florida is the show spot of America and Cocoanut Beach is the
black spot of Florida?

MRS. POTTER:


You told me about this yesterday.

HAMMER:

(takes  a  map  from  his  pocket) I know, but I left out a comma.
Look, in a little while, we're  gonna  hold  an  auction  sale  at
Cocoanut  Manor, the suburb terrible, uh, beautiful. You must come
over. There's gonna be entertainment, sandwiches, and the auction.
If you don't like auction, we can play, uh, contract. Here it  is,
Cocoanut  Manor  -  forty-two hours from Times Square by railroad.
Sixteen hundred miles as the crow flies, eighteen hundred  as  the
horseflies.  There  you  are,  Cocoanut  Manor  -  glorifying  the
American  sewer  and  the  Florida  sucker.  Why,  it's  the  most
exclusive  residential  district  in Florida - nobody lives there.
And the climate! Ask me about the climate, I dare ya.

MRS. POTTER:

Very well. How is-?

HAMMER:


(interrupts) I'm glad you brought it up. Our  motto  is  "Cocoanut
Beach  -  no  snow,  no  ice  and  no  business." Do you know that
Florida's the greatest state in the Union?

MRS. POTTER:

Is it?

HAMMER:

(puts the map away) Take its climate. No, we took that.  Take  its
fruit.  Take  the alligator pear. Take all the alligator pears and
keep 'em, see if I care. Do you know how alligator pears are made?

MRS. POTTER:


Haven't the slightest idea.

HAMMER:

There you are. That's because you've never been an alligator.  And
don't  let it happen again. Do you know that it sometimes requires
years to bring the pear and the  alligator  together?  They  don't
like each other.

MRS. POTTER:

No?

HAMMER:

Nooo.  Do  you  know how many alligator pears are sent out of this
state every year and told not to come back?


MRS. POTTER:

I don't think I do.

HAMMER:

All they can get a hold of! Florida feeds the  nation  but  nobody
feeds me and that's what I want to talk to you about.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer-

HAMMER:


Another  thing,  take  our  cattle-raising.  Oh,  uh, I don't mean
anything personal but here is the ideal cattle-raising section. We
have long- horns, shorthorns, and shoe horns.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer, will you let me say something, please?

HAMMER:

I hardly think so. And there's something else I want to  bring  to
your  mind.  Where will you be when you're sixty-five? That's only
about three months from now.

MRS. POTTER:

If I were to buy, I should prefer some place like Palm Beach.


HAMMER:

Palm Beach? The Atlantic City of yesterday? The slums of tomorrow?
Do you know that the population of Cocoanut Beach has  doubled  in
the past week?

MRS. POTTER:

Has it?

HAMMER:

Three  bulldogs  were  born.  We're  expecting a nanny goat in the
morning.

MRS. POTTER:


I'm sorry but I'm afraid I must be going.

HAMMER:

Ah now, don't go. Before you go, let me show you a sample  of  our
sewer pipe we're gonna lay.

(takes  pipe  from  pocket)  Look  at it. Nobody can fool you on a
sewer pipe, can they? A woman like you? Now,  this  is  the  eight
inch  pipe  but, of course, all property owners will be allowed to
vote on the size of the pipe. In case of a tie,  it  goes  to  the
Supreme Court.

(lowers  his voice) And I can give you a little inside information
in advance. The Chief Justice is  crazy  about  this  type  sewer.
Here, put it in your pocket. I'll see ya later.

Hammer hands the pipe to Mrs. Potter and rapidly exits.


MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer! I can't use this! I don't want it!

Mrs.  Potter  follows  him  out, carrying the sewer pipe. A moment
later, Hammer appears behind the front desk, checking to make sure
Mrs. Potter has really gone. The phone rings and Hammer answers.

HAMMER:

(into phone) Hello? Yes? Ice water in three-eighteen? Is that  so?
Where'd  you get it? Oh, you want some? Oh, that's different. Have
you got any ice? No, I haven't. This is Cocoanut Beach - no  snow,
no  ice. Get some onions, that'll make your eyes water. What? You,
too!

Hammer hangs up. Jamison enters.

JAMISON:


Oh, Mr. Hammer, Mrs. Thompson wants to know  if  you'd  reserve  a
table for dinner for her in a nice quiet spot.

HAMMER:

A nice quiet spot?

JAMISON:

Yeah.

HAMMER:

Tell  her  she  can  eat in the lobby. Say, we ought to dress this
place up a bit. It looks terrible.


(rings bell) Front!

Nothing happens.

HAMMER:

(rings bell) Front!

Still nothing.

HAMMER:


(rings bell) Front!

(as if calling a dog) Here, Front! Here, Front!

(on hands and knees,

snapping fingers) Here, Front, Front, Front, Front, Front,  Front,
Front!

(rises)  Jamison,  what's  become  of our front? Are we all out of
fronts?


JAMISON:

Haven't seen 'em.

HAMMER:

I'm gonna fire some of those people. Give me the fire bell.

The lone male bellboy finally arrives,  stands  at  attention  and
salutes.

HAMMER:

Hey,  why don't you stick around here? Listen, if anybody comes in
that looks like a customer, tie 'em up and brand 'em. Now, exit.


BELLBOY:

Yes, sir.

The bellboy salutes and walks off.

HAMMER:

(to Jamison, off the bellboy) Look at  him.  He's  dressed  better
than I am.

We  follow  the  bellboy  across  the  LOBBY. As he exits, a woman
enters, unaware that she is followed closely by two immigrant men:
SILENT RED, a mute Irishman wearing a top hat and  trenchcoat  who
carries  a  walking stick with a horn for a handle, HONKING loudly
as he walks, and an Italian who may very well be known  as  WILLIE
THE WOP in some quarters but for the sake of politeness we'll call
him CHICO.

Grinning  lustfully,  Red tips his hat to the woman who studiously
ignores him and sits down in a lobby seat to  inspect  her  purse.
Red  playfully  sits right down next to her, whistles, and fingers
her purse. Chico, walking past them, merely grins and beckons  Red
to follow him.


CHICO:

(to Red) Hey, c'mon, c'mon.

The  woman  rises and walks away from Red who follows, HONKING and
grinning. A second woman, going in the opposite  direction,  walks
past and Red tips his hat to her, does an "about face," and trails
behind her, letting the first woman exit. Chico grabs at Red's arm
to stop him.

CHICO:

Hey, come here, come here. Come here!

A  third  woman enters the lobby and Red takes off after her, hand
outstretched, HONKING away merrily. Hammer  and  Jamison  approach
Chico and Red. All four men offer their hands to shake.

HAMMER:


Ah, gentlemen! Customers?

CHICO:

Ah, how do you do?

The  four  of them, hands outstretched, walk right past each other
without shaking hands, turn, and circle around  -  Red  and  Chico
walking up and over a lobby seat as they do.

HAMMER:

What are you boys giving me, the run-around here? Come over here.

If you didn't know better, you might imagine they were all somehow
related  to  one another, perhaps brothers. The four face off with
Hammer and Jamison on one side and Red and  Chico  on  the  other.
Hammer  slaps Red's hand and Red slaps Hammer's face, knocking him
back into Jamison's arms. Red wields his horn-cane  as  a  weapon.
Jamison and Chico restrain the other two, breaking up the fight.

HAMMER:


Now, what do you want? What do you want? Explain your business.

CHICO:

We send you a telegram.

HAMMER:

(suddenly  very  friendly)  Ohhhh!  You're  the boys that sent the
telegram!

Hammer and Chico shake hands.

CHICO:


Ha ha ha! How do you do?

HAMMER:

That's a coincidence. I used to send  telegrams  myself.  How  are
you?

(to Red) And how are you?

Hammer shakes Red's hand but Red substitutes his horn so that when
Hammer  squeezes, we hear a loud HONK! Hammer and Jamison run away
in fear. Jamison exits and Hammer  ducks  under  the  front  desk.
Chico follows Hammer to the desk.

CHICO:

(reassuringly, to Hammer) That's all right! Don't worry! Hey!


Meanwhile,  Red  takes  a  seat  next to the bellboy who stands at
attention. Red reaches over, plucks a button  from  the  bellboy's
uniform, wipes it on his own trousers - and eats it. Red registers
that  it  tastes  good  so  he plucks another - and eats it. Chico
watches as Red, rising, wipes his mouth on the bellboy's tie, sits
again, and props his leg up in the bellboy's hand.

HAMMER:

(behind the desk, to Chico) Hey, you can stay but you'll  have  to
take  that  groundhog  out of here. Now, what do you want? Explain
your business.

During the following exchange, Hammer briefly joins them in  front
of the desk and Red takes his leg back from the bellboy.

CHICO:

Well, we make a reservaysh.

HAMMER:


Reservaysh?

CHICO:

Yes, we want a room and no bath.

HAMMER:

Oh,  I  see.  You're just here for the winter. Well, step this way
and I'll see what I can do for you.

Hammer gets behind the desk, Chico in front, Red in his seat  next
to the bellboy.

CHICO:


All right, we stay for the summer, too.

HAMMER:

I'm sorry, boys, but we haven't got any vacancies.

CHICO:

(to Red) He's got-a no vacancies.

HAMMER:


We got plenty of rooms.

CHICO:

That's all right, we take a room.

(to Red) You want a room?

Red shakes his head: HONK HONK!

HAMMER:

All right?


CHICO:

All right, we take a vacancy.

HAMMER:

(to the bellboy) Boy! Uh, take the gentlemen's baggage.

The  bellboy  picks  up a suitcase next to Red and starts off with
it. Red and Chico jump him and wrestle to get the  suitcase  back.
In  the process, they knock the bellboy down and accidentally open
the suitcase - which is empty. Hammer rings the bell on  his  desk
to indicate that the wrestling match is over.

HAMMER:


(to Chico) Hey, heyyyy! Do y'-Do you know that suitcase is empty?

CHICO:

That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.

HAMMER:

Oh, you will, eh? Well, you'll empty it before I go out. Now, step
this way, boys, and, uh...

(off  the  hotel register) ... just put your monicker on there and
everything'll be A.K.


Red grabs three pens and starts throwing them at  the  wall  in  a
spontaneous game of darts. Chico and Hammer talk over one another:

CHICO:

(to Hammer) Look what he do. 'At's-a-baby! [?] Never misses! [?]

HAMMER:

(to Red) Don't do- Don't do that.

Hammer,  after protesting a moment, jumps right into the spirit of
the game by playing the carnival pitchman:


HAMMER:

(to an imaginary crowd) Step right this way, boys! Two  shots  for
five-

(rings the bell) And the boy wins a gold cigar!

Hammer  offers  Red a box of cigars. Red takes a cigar and puts it
in his mouth.

HAMMER:

Anybody else? Step right up this way!


Red picks up the desk telephone and prepares to throw  it  at  the
wall.

HAMMER:

(to Red, who freezes

in  mid-throw)  Hey,  hey, hey, hey! Don't throw that. That's only
for long distances.

Red puts the phone back on the desk.

CHICO:

(to Red) All right, all right. Come on, [?]


HAMMER:

Now, then, what do you want? Would you like a suite on  the  third
floor?

Sounds like he says "a Swede on the third floor."

CHICO:

No, I'll take a Polock in the basement.

HAMMER:

Well,  you'll have to take that up with the commissary department.
That's an entirely different proposition and I can-


During the above exchange, Red has hopped up on  one  end  of  the
desk  and begun removing the hotel guests' mail from its boxes and
tearing it to shreds. Hammer notices and joins him,  pulling  more
mail  out and handing the letters to Red who happily rips them up,
too.

HAMMER:

Here you are. Er, let me help you here. I, uh, I-I'm sorry  -  I'm
sorry  the  afternoon  mail isn't in yet. Say, I could use you the
first of the month.

A delivery boy enters.

DELIVERY BOY:

Telegram for Mr. Hammer.

HAMMER:


Telegram?

Red takes the telegram, rips it up, hands it to Chico who  pockets
it. The delivery boy exits.

HAMMER:

(calling  after the delivery boy) Just tell 'em I'll send them the
money in the morning.

(to Chico) Now, then, what do you want? What do you want, a single
room?

CHICO:


We'd like to double up.

HAMMER:

Well, eat some green apples.

The phone rings.

CHICO:

Ha ha!

HAMMER:


Just a moment.

CHICO:

A joke!

Red hands Hammer the phone, one  of  those  old  pedestal  phones.
Actually, Red gives Hammer the pedestal and a rubber stamp. Hammer
puts  the handle of the stamp to his ear and speaks into the phone
while Red puts the phone's earpiece to his own ear.

HAMMER:

(into the phone) What's that? You'll have to talk louder, I  can't
hear ya.

Red, grinning, earpiece to his ear, takes a pen (or is it a letter
opener?)  from  the  desk,  hurls it downward so that it sticks up
from the floor and rests his foot on it.


HAMMER:

(into the phone) If you'll take your nose  out  of  the  receiver,
it'll be okay. I-

Hammer  finally  realizes  that  Red has the earpiece and takes it
from him. Red promptly puts the rubber stamp to his own ear.

HAMMER:

(to Red) Funny fellow, you.

(into the phone) Hello? What's that? You want to  know  where  you
can  get  a  hold  of  Mrs.  Potter?  I  don't know, she's awfully
ticklish.


Red sticks a pen into a sponge like a fork and starts to  eat  the
sponge. Hammer hangs up and addresses Red and Chico.

HAMMER:

Now, uh, I'm in a position, gentlemen, where-

Hammer watches Red eating the sponge.

CHICO:

(explains to Hammer) He's hungry.

Hammer  and  Chico  watch  as  Red  takes a brush from a glue-pot,
seasons the sponge with glue and takes a bite. He then  washes  it
down  with  some  ink  from  an inkwell. Hammer, grabbing a nearby
vase, offers it to Red.


HAMMER:

Here, have one of these flowers. They're buckwheat.

Red fingers the flowers choosily.

HAMMER:

Pick out a nice one, now. I don't want you to get any of the worst
of this.

Red finally selects one and starts to eat it.

HAMMER:


There you are. I'm so glad.

(to Chico) Now, uh, you boys will pardon me for a few  moments.  I
have  some  very  important  business to attend to. As a matter of
fact, I'm going upstairs and get your partner a stomach pump.

CHICO:

He needs it.

HAMMER:

And I'll be down in a few  minutes.  And  while  I'm  gone,  don't
forget - register!

Hammer exits.


CHICO:

(to Red) Hey! Don't forget! Register!

Red  immediately  climbs  over  the  desk  and  goes  to  the cash
register. Chico merely walks around to the other side of the desk.
Red hits the "No Sale" key: with a  KA-CHING  sound  the  register
drawer pops open. Red removes a wad of cash from the drawer, shows
it to Chico, and then pockets it.

CHICO:

That's all right.

Red  taps  the  keys of the register, then hits the "No Sale" key.
The drawer pops open with a KA-CHING and he  closes  it  with  his
belly.  He  does  this  repeatedly  in  rhythm while whistling the
"Anvil Chorus." Chico joins him, honking  Red's  horn,  ringing  a
call-bell  that  he's carried over from the front desk and singing
wordlessly along. They stop after a few bars as the  phone  rings.
Chico answers.

CHICO:


(into  the phone) Hello? Hello? No, we no gotta no rooms. We gotta
nothing. We gotta no customers. We got  nothing.  All  right.  All
right, I send you up something. All right, goodbye.

During  the  above,  Red  has been using the rubber stamp to stamp
everything on the front desk. He stamps a call-bell and it  rings,
summoning  one of the bellboys [actually, a girl]. She runs in and
stands at attention, saluting Red.

BELLBOY 1 Did you ring, sir?

Red rings the bell again. Chico, not paying attention, turns  away
but Red grabs him by the arm. Another girl runs in.

BELLBOY 2 Did you ring, sir?

Chico and Red realize they're on to a good thing. Red rings again.
Another girl!

BELLBOY 3 Did you ring, sir?

Red  and  Chico  bang  away at the bells. Eight girls have run in,
lined up, and stood at attention before them. Red and  Chico  move
out slowly from behind the desk toward the girls who panic and run
off  in  all  directions, exiting out doors and up the stairs. Red
and Chico give chase. Red runs part of the way up the  stairs  but
Chico calls him back.


CHICO:

[?] Come here! Come here! Get away from there! Come on! Hurry up!

Red  waves good-bye to the unseen girls. Harvey Yates and Penelope
enter the lobby, talking.  Chico  shushes  Red  and  the  two  men
quietly approach the couple and listen in on their conversation.

HARVEY YATES:

All right, then. But let's be careful.

PENELOPE:

I will.


HARVEY YATES:

Tell  me,  how  is  it  that  the  door between your room and Mrs.
Potter's is open?

PENELOPE:

Well, you see, I told her that I trusted her.

HARVEY YATES:

You trusted her?

Yates and Penelope laugh hard  at  this.  Red,  putting  his  arms
around  them  both,  laughs noiselessly along with them. Startled,
Yates and Penelope pause to stare at Red. Red puts  his  leg  into
Yates' hand. Yates pushes Red's leg away. Red makes a move to slap
Yates but restrains himself as if it weren't worth the trouble.


Red  turns to Penelope who stands beside him, her walking stick in
hand. He puts his hand just  above  hers  on  her  walking  stick.
Penelope  stares  at  their  two  hands  clutching the stick, then
possessively puts her other  hand  above  his,  turning  her  head
haughtily.  Red  puts  his  other  hand  above  hers. Annoyed, she
responds in  kind.  They  work  their  way  up  the  stick  until,
outraged, she slaps his hands away.

Yates  grabs Red by the shoulder and spins him around to face him.
Making a face, Red grabs Yates' forearm and puts his  knee  up  to
it, threatening to break it in half. Now, Chico grabs Yates by the
shoulder  and  spins  him  around to face him. Before Chico can do
anything, Red grabs him by the shoulder and spins  him  around  to
face  him.  Before  Red  can do anything, Chico grabs Yates by the
shoulder and spins him around to face him. Again, Red grabs  Yates
by  the  shoulder and spins him around to face him - then clinches
him and starts dancing with him. Penelope puts  a  hand  on  Red's
shoulder.

PENELOPE:

(to Red) Hey! Stop that!

Simultaneously,  Red grabs Penelope and Chico grabs Yates and they
all start dancing.

CHICO:


Come on, we dance!

PENELOPE:

Really!

CHICO:

Ha ha!

The dance ends abruptly.

HARVEY YATES:


Come, Penelope.

Penelope joins Yates who glares disdainfully at Red.

HARVEY YATES:

Let's get away from this ... bum.

Penelope and Yates move off as Hammer wanders in  quietly  in  the
background. Chico watches Penelope and Yates walk away, then turns
to  Red  who  silently  mouths  the  word "Bum" several times - in
rhythm. As Hammer joins them, Chico picks up the rhythm:

CHICO:

Bum. Bum bum bum. Rrrum bum bum. Rrrum bum bum ...

Pretending to play a flute, Red whistles a patriotic tune as Chico
mimes a drummer. Hammer, also playing an imaginary flute, throws a
handkerchief over his brow like a bandage. And the three march off
in imitation the legendary "Spirit of '76" fife and drum corps  of
the American Revolutionary War.


We  PAN  OVER  TO  Penelope  and  Yates, standing by the elevator,
watching with distaste as the three men exit.

HARVEY YATES:

I could kill those tramps.

PENELOPE:

Wait a minute. Don't kill them yet. I've got an idea.

HARVEY YATES:

About them?


PENELOPE:

Mm hmm. Listen. When the necklace is found missing, someone's  got
to be blamed. Why not them?

HARVEY YATES:

Gee, that's not bad. But have you got anything definite?

PENELOPE:

Suppose  I  flirt with them - and they come to my room. Then what?
I'll complain to the management. Then, on the night  the  necklace
disappears, they were seen near Mrs. Potter's. Get it?

HARVEY YATES:


You bet I get it. That's a grand idea.

PENELOPE:

(with a curtsy) Thanks, kind sir. Well, I've got to run along now.
See you later.

HARVEY YATES:

Goodbye.

Penelope exits as Yates rings for the elevator.

CUT TO:



INT. HOTEL LOBBY - FRONT DESK - HOURS LATER

Red  enters  carrying what may be a salt shaker and approaches the
desk. Placing shaker on desktop, he  looks  behind  the  desk  and
around  the  lobby to see that the place is deserted. He whistles,
honks his horn, and rings the call-bell for attention but  no  one
appears. Looking at the stadium telephone on the desk, he picks it
up,  puts  the mouthpiece to his ear and listens. Hearing nothing,
he sniffs it and then takes a bite out of it. He chews a  mouthful
of  the  mouthpiece,  hooks a thumb in his belt, and leans happily
against the desk. He takes another bite, smiles, sees  the  nearby
inkwell,  picks  it up, swirls it around a bit and drinks a couple
of mouthfuls of ink. Resuming his pose leaning against  the  desk,
he  manages  a couple of quiet, Chaplinesque belches and gives the
phone an odd look. Chico enters and confronts him.

CHICO:

Hey, hey! What do you do, huh?

Red puts the phone down on desk and stands with Chico.

CHICO:


All the time you eat. That's a no good. We  got  to  get-a  money.
Right now, I'd do anything for money. I'd kill somebody for money.
I'd kill you for money.

Red looks slightly worried.

CHICO:

Ha ha ha! Ah, no, you're my friend - I kill you for nothing.

Red smiles.

CHICO:

Well, why do you laugh, huh?


Red sobers up.

CHICO:

You're in the hotel for three hours, you no gotta something yet.

Red reaches into his coat pocket.

CHICO:

Whaddya got?

Red  pulls out a pocket watch and chain, holds it up to Chico, who
takes it.


CHICO:

A Ingersoll watch. That's-a fine. Ha ha! That's-a fine.

Red reaches to take the watch back.

CHICO:

That's all-a you steal?

An extremely tall law enforcement  officer,  possibly  the  entire
Cocoanut    Beach   police   force,   has   entered   the   lobby:
plainclothesman HENNESSY stands imposingly nearby  and  stares  at
Chico and Red. He approaches them.

Hennessy moves between the two men, towering over them as they try
to walk slowly away. He keeps in step with them as they move first
one  way  and then the other. Red whistles a tune as the three men
maneuver. Hennessy pauses as Red and Chico keep moving toward  the
elevators.


HENNESSY:

(commandingly) Hey.

Immediately,  Red  and  Chico  reverse  course and slowly approach
Hennessy. As Red reaches the last  note  of  his  tune,  he  hands
Hennessy  his  leg,  much  to Chico's amusement. Annoyed, Hennessy
pushes Red's leg away then slowly opens his jacket to  reveal  his
badge,  pinned  to  the inside. Red responds by slowly opening his
own coat to reveal a liquor bottle pinned in the same place. Chico
laughs quietly at this, too.

HENNESSY:

(menacing, to Chico) I think I know your face.


CHICO:

I give up. Whose is it?

HENNESSY:

I'll  tell  ya  in  a  minute.  I  brought  some   pictures   from
headquarters.

Hennessy pulls a wad of photos from his pocket and studies them.

HENNESSY:

(to Red) Let me see your face.


Red makes a Gookie face - eyes crossed, cheeks puffed out, etc.

HENNESSY:

(to Chico) Yours, too.

Red grabs Chico's cheek and pulls on it.

CHICO:

(annoyed, to Red) All right, all right. I make my own face.


Upset, Red pushes Chico. Chico pushes back.

CHICO:

'At's-a matter you push, huh? No pushing.

They push each other.

CHICO:

A  roomble-a fight! You wanna fight? Come on! Come on! Start. Come
on!

The two men square off  like  two  kids  imitating  prizefighters.
Chico  starts  to  swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings
and misses.


CHICO:

Hey! Call your shots. Come on.

Again, Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in  the  pants,  Chico
swings and misses.

CHICO:

Hey, 'at's-a matter you no fight upstairs?! Come on!

Hennessy grabs Red by the collar and steps between the two men.

HENNESSY:


Hey! What are you guys fighting for?

CHICO:

We no fight. That's-a my friend. We play this way.

HENNESSY:

(turns to Red) What are you doin' around here?

Red  leans  into Hennessy and the horn on his belt HONKS. Hennessy
pushes him away.


HENNESSY:

What's your name?

Again, Red leans into Hennessy and, again, the horn  on  his  belt
HONKS.

HENNESSY:

(turns to Chico) I'm pretty suspicious of you birds.

Using his teeth, Red pulls Hennessy's handkerchief from his breast
pocket and quietly pockets it.


HENNESSY:

Now, you listen to me. I haven't got anything on you yet.

Hennessy  turns  to  Red  who  stares  up  at  him  with a serious
expression.

HENNESSY:

But I'm going to keep watching.

(Red nods) I've got your full records right here in m' pocket.


Hennessy starts to walk off.

HENNESSY:

There's enough to send you up the minute you start  anything.  You
get me?

On  this last sentence, Hennessy tugs at his lapels ominously. Red
and Chico watch him exit. Chico turns to Red.

CHICO:

Wise guy. Wise-a guy, eh? Gotta start a fight when  the  detective
come around. You can't wait a little bit. Huh?

Red reaches into his own coat pocket.


CHICO:

Whaddya got?

Smiling, Red pulls out a badge and pins it to his lapel.

CHICO:

(delighted)  A  badge.  Ha  ha  ha!  'At's-a  fine! He's a no more
detective. You detective!

We PAN OVER TO the elevator where a bellhop carrying luggage and a
male and female guest emerge. The male guest  is  putting  on  his
overcoat.


MALE GUEST:

(to  female  guest)  Hurry  along,  my dear, get right in the cab.
We've only a few minutes to get the train.

Female guest and bellhop exit as the male guest approaches Chico -
and Red pretends to help him on with his coat.

MALE GUEST:

Pardon,  can  you  tell  me  what  time  is  the  next  train   to
Philadelphia?

CHICO:


Uh, train? Once a week. Sometimes twice a day.

HUSBAND:

Thank you.

CHICO:

That's all right.

The  male  guest  exits. During the above exchange, Red has yanked
the guest's suit jacket out from under the rear of  his  overcoat.
Red  helps  Chico  into  the  stolen  jacket which is a little too
small.

CHICO:


That's-a fine. A little tight. Needs something taken out.

Red reaches in and takes out a big fat wallet. He smiles at Chico,
waves and walks off.

CHICO:

All right, keep it. That's just  what  I  need,  coat  like  this.
That's-a fine, eh? Do-a good.

During  above,  we PAN OVER TO elevator where Red hands his leg to
the elevator operator. The two get  in  the  elevator.  The  doors
close and we PAN BACK TO Chico wearing his new ill-fitting jacket.
He  stands  in front of the desk, admiring it. Penelope enters and
seductively approaches him.

PENELOPE:

Hello.


CHICO:

How do you do?

PENELOPE:

That's a good looking coat you have on.

CHICO:

You like it, huh?

PENELOPE:


Yes. Do you know you look like the Prince of Wales?

CHICO:

Better.

PENELOPE:

Where'd you get that coat?

CHICO:

(defensive) That's-a my coat!


PENELOPE:

That's your coat?

CHICO:

(insistent) That's-a my coat!

PENELOPE:

But it doesn't fit you.


CHICO:

I know. I had it made to order.

PENELOPE:

Tell me, what are you doing tonight?

CHICO:

Maybe you got a good idea, eh?

PENELOPE:


Well, don't you dare come to room three-twenty at eleven o'clock.

CHICO:

All right, I come half past ten.

Chico smiles and exits.

The elevator door opens and Red emerges playing a snatch of  "When
My  Dreams Come True" on a clarinet. The elevator operator watches
him with amusement. Penelope approaches Red, seductively drops her
handkerchief right on his foot, then turns away. As Red  hits  the
last note, he glances down at the handkerchief. He then raises his
foot, takes the handkerchief and stuffs it in his pocket. Penelope
turns  back  to  Red,  sees  him  putting  the handkerchief in his
pocket.

PENELOPE:

Did you see a handkerchief?


Red shakes his head.

PENELOPE:

I thought I dropped one.

Red raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth in mock surprise.

PENELOPE:

Well, it really doesn't matter ...

Red shakes his head as if to say, "No?"


PENELOPE:

... because what I'm really interested in is you.

Red smiles happily and hands her his leg. She politely drops it.

PENELOPE:

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales?

Grinning, Red nods.

PENELOPE:


That's funny. I thought it was an original idea of mine.

Red shakes his head haughtily as if to say, "Oh, no, not at all."

PENELOPE:

Tell me, do you know who I am?

Red shakes his head.

PENELOPE:

You know my room number?


Red nods. She puts her arm around his shoulders.

PENELOPE:

Well, I'll be there at eleven o'clock tonight.

Red snags a handkerchief from her bosom  with  his  teeth  as  she
turns and walks away from him. He pockets this second handkerchief
as  she  fetches  her  purse  and  gloves from the front desk. Red
follows her and leans against the desk, smiling. She  smiles  back
and  swaggers to the elevator with a hand on her hip. Red follows,
mimicking her walk. As she enters the elevator,  the  door  closes
suddenly,  causing Red to bang face first into the door - the horn
on his belt HONKS.

He turns slowly, with his back to the elevator, and plays a dreamy
half-chorus of "When My Dreams Come True" on his clarinet (with an
offscreen guitar accompaniment). As the song ends, he hits a wrong
note, the door abruptly opens and he  topples  backward  into  the
elevator

CUT TO:



INT. HOTEL LOBBY - LATER

With  all the speed of an Arctic glacier stuck in molasses, Hammer
and Mrs. Potter enter arm in arm. They pause in front of  a  lobby
couch and let go of one another.

HAMMER:

Did  anyone  ever  tell  you  you look like the Prince of Wales? I
don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales. And,
believe me, when I say Wales, I mean whales. I know a whale when I
see one. Did you say your room was three-eighteen? You  know,  I'm
the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey to every room in
it.

MRS. POTTER:

Passkey?

HAMMER:


Passkey - that's Russian for "pass" ... You know, they passki down
the streetski.

(gestures to the couch) Won't you, uh, lie down?

Mrs.  Potter moves to the couch but Hammer seats himself first and
she winds up sitting on him. He slides out of her  way.  They  sit
together.

HAMMER:

Ah,  if we could find a little bungalow, eh? Oh, of course, I know
we could find one but, uh, maybe the people wouldn't get out.  But
if  we could find a nice little empty bungalow just for me and you
where we could bill and cow - no - where we could bull and cow.

MRS. POTTER:

Do you know what you're trying to say?


HAMMER:

Yes, it's not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if-if we had
a nice little bungalow and, uh, you was inside and I  was  outside
trying to get in or inside trying to get out. Oh no, I was in- you
was  ups- uh, you were inside out and I was ups- Ehhh. Up. No. If-
Uh, I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next  Friday,  the
whole thing's off.

MRS. POTTER:

I don't think I understand.

HAMMER:

I  mean, your eyes, your eyes! They shine like the pants of a blue
serge suit.

MRS. POTTER:


What?

HAMMER:

Oh, that's not a-

MRS. POTTER:

That's an insult.

HAMMER:

That's not a reflection on you - that's on the pants. What I meant
was, uh, if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from  work  and
you  were  standing by the gate - no - uh, you came home from work
and I was standing by the gate - that's more like it. And, uh,  we
came  down  the  path and we went inside and the shades were drawn
and the lights were low, and, uh, then, uh...


(beat) Are you sure your husband's dead?

MRS. POTTER:

Why, yes.

HAMMER:

There seems to be a trace of uncertainty in that "yes." You  know,
uh, a "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a
window. And I'm not the jumper I used to be. What I meant was, uh,
you're  gonna  to  be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel
anyhow...  Why  don't  you  grab  me  until  you  can  make  other
arrangements?

MRS. POTTER:


My dear Mr. Hammer, I shall never get married before my daughter.

HAMMER:

You did once.

Hammer throws his arms around her.

HAMMER:

Oh,  but  I love you, I love you! Can't you see how I'm pining for
you?

MRS. POTTER:


(pushing his arms away) What in the world is the matter with you?

HAMMER:

Oh, I-I'm not myself tonight.

(aside) I don't know who I am.

(to Mrs. Potter) One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I  love
you anyhow.


MRS. POTTER:

I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.

HAMMER:

I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.

MRS. POTTER:

(rises) I'll not stay here any longer and be insulted this way!


HAMMER:

(half-rises,  takes  her hand) Aw, don't go away and leave me here
alone. You stay here and I'll go away.

MRS. POTTER:

I don't know what to say.

HAMMER:

(rises, puts arms around her,


she struggles heroically) Well, say, that you'll be truly mine, or
truly yours, or yours truly. Can't you know what I'm-

MRS. POTTER:

(pushes him away) Will you keep your hands to yourself?!

HAMMER:

(strikes a wrestling pose) Come on, I'll play you one  more  game.
Come on, the three of ya!


Mrs.  Potter  turns  away  from  him.  Hammer moves in slowly from
behind and puts his arms around her and  rests  his  head  on  her
back.

HAMMER:

Oh...

But she's rather tall for him.

HAMMER:

Can  you come down a little bit? Just think, tonight, tonight when
the moon is sneaking around the clouds, I'll  be  sneaking  around
you. I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now -
you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I'll know ya.

CUT TO:



EXT. TERRACE - LATER

No  one  in  sight. A harp stands among other musical instruments.
Red enters from behind camera, and after a backward glance,  walks
around  the harp to a piano. He touches the keys of the piano with
his hand and then shakes his hand vigorously.  He  then  turns  to
peer  through  the  strings of the harp, making a face like a wild
animal trapped behind bars at the zoo. He looks around,  plucks  a
couple  strings,  then sits down to play a soulful chorus of "When
My Dreams Come True" ending with a long, fancy coda.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN


INT. TWO ROOMS IN THE HOTEL - THAT NIGHT

Rooms 318 and 320 with a connecting door. Room 320, on the  right,
is  Penelope's.  It  has  a bed against the far wall and the usual
things that go with  hotel  rooms.  318,  on  the  left,  is  Mrs.
Potter's  room,  basically the same as 320 but reversed and with a
closet on the far wall next to the bed. There's  a  table  with  a
phone by the centrally-located connecting door.


Penelope,  in  her room (320), opens the connecting door carefully
and enters Mrs. Potter's room (318).  Simultaneously,  Red  enters
320,  sees Penelope entering 318, moves to the connecting door and
gets down on hands and knees to try to peer under  the  door.  Red
crawls  backwards as Penelope re-opens the connecting door briefly
but changes her mind and lingers in 318 for a moment  longer.  Red
crawls  forward.  Immediately,  Penelope  backs  into  320 and Red
quickly crawls under  Penelope's  bed  to  hide.  Tense,  Penelope
closes  the  connecting  door,  grabs  a  cigarette, gets an idea,
crosses to her telephone and places a call.

PENELOPE:

(into phone) Send up some ice  water  right  away.  That's  right.
Thank you.

A  knock  at  the  hall  door.  Penelope  crosses  to the door and
cautiously opens it. Harvey Yates enters.

PENELOPE:

Thank goodness.


HARVEY YATES:

Close the door.

Penelope closes the door and they confer by her bed.

PENELOPE:

Did you get the key?

HARVEY YATES:

(hands her a key ring) Yes. It's one of these.


PENELOPE:

Oh, that's fine. Now, listen, we can't take any  chances  on  this
job.

HARVEY YATES:

How do you mean?

PENELOPE:

Well, there's bound to be trouble when she misses the necklace.

HARVEY YATES:


Well?

PENELOPE:

Well, we can't have it found on us.

HARVEY YATES:

I should say not.

PENELOPE:

We've got to play safe and hide it somewhere for a while.


HARVEY YATES:

Hide it?

PENELOPE:

Just for a few days.

HARVEY YATES:

Yes, but where?

PENELOPE:


Anywhere but in here.

HARVEY YATES:

Hide it... I know just the place. A hollow tree stump about a mile
from here. Will that do?

PENELOPE:

Fine, but how do I get there?

HARVEY YATES:

It's Cocoanut Manor. You've been out there.


PENELOPE:

I'm not so sure, Harvey.

HARVEY YATES:

Well, here, I'll show you.

Yates pulls paper and pen from his pocket and draws a map for her.

HARVEY YATES:

Now...  you-you go right out Cocoanut Road. Then there's Augustine
Road,  like  this.  But,  instead,  you  take  the  Grenada  road.
Suddenly, you come to a clearing with a fringe of trees around it.
That's  Cocoanut Manor, where the stump is. It's about, er, twenty
feet from the edge of the  clearing.  That's  where  you  put  the
jewels.  You  can't  miss it. Now, you take the necklace right out
there, see? I've got to go back downstairs or Mrs. Potter will  be
suspicious.


(hands her the map) And be careful.

PENELOPE:

I will.

Yates  exits as Penelope studies the map. Having memorized it, she
crumples it up and distractedly drops it in what she thinks  is  a
wastepaper  basket  but  which is in fact Red's top hat, proffered
from beneath the bed. Red pulls the hat  back  under  the  bed  as
Penelope repeats the directions to herself:

PENELOPE:

Cocoanut Manor. Grenada Road. Twenty feet from the clearing.

As  she  repeats  the above, Red crawls out from under the bed. In
fact, he performs an Australian crawl and shoots a long stream  of
water out of his mouth as he "swims" around the bed and back under
it.


PENELOPE:

Everything's going along swimmingly now.

Keys  in  hand,  Penelope  moves to the connecting door and slowly
opens and closes it. As she does, Hammer opens the  hall  door  to
318,  peers  in,  then  closes the door. Penelope slowly opens and
closes the connecting door, then Hammer opens and closes the  hall
door  to  318.  Now, simultaneously, Hammer opens the door to 318,
Penelope opens the connecting door and Chico opens the  hall  door
to  320  and  enters.  He sees Penelope at the connecting door and
slams the hall door. In turn, Penelope slams the connecting  door.
And in turn, Hammer enters 318 and slams his door.

Penelope confronts Chico who takes her hands romantically.

CHICO:

You remember me? Prince of Wales?

PENELOPE:


Why, yes, of course I do but, uh ...

Hammer  knocks at the connecting door and bursts in on Penelope as
Chico ducks out the hall door.

PENELOPE:

Mr. Hammer! How dare you come into my room?

HAMMER:

See here, if there's gonna be two people in this  room,  it'll  be
fifty cents extra.

Somehow,  Red  is  now  in 318, sitting in a chair. He gets up and
hops around on a sore foot as  Hammer,  in  320,  listens  at  the
connecting  door.  We  hear  a  knock  at  the  hall  door to 320.
Instantly, Red exits 318 by the hall door, Hammer  enters  318  by
the connecting door and Chico enters 320 from the hall to confront
Penelope.

CHICO:


Did he go?

PENELOPE:

Who?

CHICO:

Anybody.

We hear another knock.

PENELOPE:


(to Chico) Get out!

Chico  enters  318 by the connecting door, Hammer exits 318 by the
hall door and Red enters 320 from the hall and  gives  Penelope  a
big hug.

PENELOPE:

Oh! You frightened me!

Red  HONKS his horn at her entreatingly. Hammer pounds on the hall
door to 318. Instantly, Red exits 320  by  the  hall  door,  Chico
enters  320 by the connecting door, and Hammer enters 318 from the
hall where he dizzily paces the room and does a nifty spin.

HAMMER:


(to the camera) This hotel not only  has  running  water,  it  has
running guests.

In 320, Chico confers with Penelope.

CHICO:

You remember me? Prince of Wales...

In 318, Hammer knocks at the connecting door.

PENELOPE:

(answers the knock) Who is it?


HAMMER:

It's me, the King of England.

CHICO:

My father!

Instantly,  Chico exits 320 by the hall door, Hammer enters 320 by
the connecting door, and Red enters 318 from the hall.

Listening at the connecting door, Hammer hears the  phone  in  318
ring.  Red  answers  it.  Since he either can't or won't speak, he
merely HONKS his horn several times, then slams down the earpiece.
Instantly, Red rushes out of 318 by the hall door,  Hammer  enters
318  by  the  connecting door, and Chico enters 320 from the hall,
arms outstretched to  greet  Penelope  who  is  listening  at  the
connecting  door. The hall door to 320 opens and Chico ducks under
Penelope's bed to hide. Red enters from the  hall,  sees  Penelope
listening  at  the  connecting door, quietly closes the hall door,
then knocks on it.

PENELOPE:


(answers the knock) Come in!

Red immediately exits 320 into the hall. Hammer enters 320 by  the
connecting  door,  much  to Penelope's surprise. Before Hammer can
say or do anything, there's a knock  at  the  hall  door  to  320.
Hammer  quickly  hides under Penelope's bed as she moves to answer
the hall door. Simultaneously, Chico crawls  out  from  under  the
front  of  the bed, then follows Hammer back under again. Penelope
opens the hall door to reveal a bellhop who enters with a pitcher.

BELL HOP:

Ice water.

PENELOPE:

(points to a table by


the connecting door) Put it there.

Bellhop puts pitcher on table.

PENELOPE:

Thank you.

Bellhop heads for the door and exits as Hammer's voice  drifts  in
from under the bed and chides Penelope:

HAMMER:

"Thank you"? Why don't you give him a dime?


Now,  Mrs.  Potter  enters  her  room (318) from the hall door and
closes it. As she moves toward  the  connecting  door,  there's  a
knock.

MRS. POTTER:

Come in.

Red  enters  from  the hall, grinning like a maniac and carrying a
pitcher of ice water.

MRS. POTTER:

Get out.

Red hops on Mrs. Potter's bed and lies down, inviting her to  join
him. She is completely offended.


MRS. POTTER:

What? I never-! Ah- I should say not!

Mrs. Potter points imperiously to the hall door as Red rises.

MRS. POTTER:

You get out of here! Get out! Hurry, hurry!

Red leaves the pitcher on her bureau, waves good-bye and exits out
the  hall  door.  As Mrs. Potter again moves toward the connecting
door, there's another knock.

MRS. POTTER:


Come in.

Red enters from the hall, grinning, turns right around, and  exits
again.

MRS. POTTER:

What is the matter with the man?!

Hammer  enters  from  the  connecting  door  and  flops down in an
armchair next to Mrs. Potter.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer, what are you doing in my room?


Meanwhile, Red has entered 320 from the hall just long  enough  to
approach  Penelope,  HONK  at  her, and exit again. In 318, Hammer
rises and, after feinting an exit through the hall door, moves  to
feint   an   exit  at  the  connecting  door.  Instead,  he  grins
mischievously and starts to take his jacket off.

MRS. POTTER:

Don't you dare take that coat off in this room!

HAMMER:

Well, I was-

MRS. POTTER:

You get out of here as fast as you can go.


HAMMER:

(apologetic) I was only playing.

Hammer has moved to the hall door. Mrs. Potter moves to the phone.

MRS. POTTER:

I'll find out about this [?].

Hammer opens and slams the hall door but instead  of  exiting,  he
goes into Mrs. Potter's closet.


MRS. POTTER:

Thank goodness he's gone! Never mind, Operator.

A knock at the hall door.

MRS. POTTER:

Come-come in.

Hennessy enters 318 and looks around.

MRS. POTTER:


Who are you?

HENNESSY:

That's all right. I'll be through in a minute.

(looks  around  but not in closet) Well, I guess there's nobody in
here.

HAMMER:

(sticks his head out of closet) You don't know where to look.


HENNESSY:

(to Mrs. Potter, thinking

it was she who spoke) What's that you said?

MRS. POTTER:

Oh, this is awful! When you're quite finished, let me know.

Mrs. Potter exits out the hall door  as  Hennessy  knocks  at  the
connecting  door.  He  opens  it  and enters 320, looking it over.
Penelope watches as Hammer exits the closet and, with a  crouching
saunter,  passes  through the connecting door and circles Hennessy
who fails to notice  Hammer  keeping  pace  behind  him.  Finally,
Hammer,  having  circled  Hennessy,  exits out the connecting door
unnoticed.


HENNESSY:

We-ell, everything seems to be all right in here.

PENELOPE:

I'm not so sure about that.

Hennessy exits out Penelope's hall door. Hammer enters 320 through
the connecting door and puts his arms  around  Penelope  whereupon
there is a pounding at the door.

HAMMER:

All right. I know where to go.


Hammer ducks under Penelope's bed just as Hennessy enters 320 from
the hall door and Penelope enters 318 through the connecting door.

In  318, Penelope opens the drawer of Mrs. Potter's dressing table
and removes a necklace from a case. She slips the jewelry down the
front of her dress, rises and exits out the hall  door.  A  moment
later, Hennessy enters 318 through the connecting door to find the
room empty. He exits out the hall door just as Penelope enters 320
from the hall door. Penelope leans against her door and breathes a
sigh of relief. She sits on the edge of her bed.

PENELOPE:

Whew! Alone at last.

Red's  head  emerges  from  the  center of the mattress, startling
Penelope.

PENELOPE:

Ohh!


FADE OUT:

FADE IN


EXT. TERRACE - THE NEXT MORNING

A table and two chairs. Hammer, map  in  hand,  beckons  to  Chico
offscreen.

HAMMER:

(to Chico) Come over here, I want to see you...


Chico enters and stands with Hammer.

HAMMER:

Now  listen  to  me,  I'm  not  gonna have that red- headed fellow
running around in the lobby. If you wanna  keep  him  up  in  your
room, you'll have to keep him in a trap.

CHICO:

Can't catch 'im.

HAMMER:

Who is he?


CHICO:

'Ats-a my partner, but he no speak.

HAMMER:

Oh, that's your silent partner... Well, anyhow, you wired me about
some property. I've thought it over. Now, I can let you have three
lots  watering  the  front,  or I can let you have three lots, uh,
fronting the water. Now, uh,  these  lots  cost  me  nine-thousand
dollars and I'm gonna let you have 'em for fifteen, because I like
you.

CHICO:

I no buy-a nothing.

HAMMER:


What?

CHICO:

I no gotta no money.

HAMMER:

You gotta no money?

CHICO:

I no gotta one cent.


HAMMER:

How you gonna pay for your room?

CHICO:

That's-a your lookout.

HAMMER:

Ohhhh... You're just an idle roomer.

CHICO:


Well, you see, we come here to make money. I read the paper and it
say,  "Big  Boom in Florida," so we come; we're a coupla big booms
too.

HAMMER:

Well, I'll show you how you can make some real  money.  I'm  gonna
hold  an auction in a little while in Cocoanut Manor. Uh, you know
what an auction is, eh?

CHICO:

Yeh, I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.

HAMMER:

Well, ah, let's go ahead  as  if  nothing  happened.  I  say,  I'm
holding  an  auction at Cocoanut Manor, and when the crowd gathers
around I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick  their  pockets,
just mingle with them and...


CHICO:

(interrupting) I'll find time for both.

HAMMER:

Well,  maybe  we  can  cut out the auction. Here's what I mean, if
somebody says a hundred dollars you say two. If somebody says two,
you say three.

CHICO:

Bid up.


HAMMER:

That's right. Now, if nobody says anything, then you start it off.

CHICO:

Yeah, how'm I gonna know when they no say nothing?

HAMMER:

Well, they'll probably notify you. You fool,  if  they  don't  say
anything you'll hear 'em, won't you?

CHICO:


Well, maybe I no listen.

HAMMER:

Well,  don't  tell  'em.  Now  then,  eh,  if  we're successful in
disposing these lots I'll see that you get a nice commission.

CHICO:

And, eh, how 'bout-a some money?

HAMMER:

Well, you can have your choice. Now, in arranging these  lots,  of
course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, eh?


CHICO:

It's oysters.

HAMMER:

How is it you never got double pneumonia?

CHICO:

I go 'round by myself.

HAMMER:


You know what a lot is?

CHICO:

Yeah, its-a too much.

HAMMER:

I-I don't mean a whole lot, just a little lot with nothing on it.

CHICO:

Any  time you gotta too much, you gotta whole lot. Look, I explain
it to you. Sometimes you no got enough, it's too much,  you  gotta
whole  lot.  Sometimes  you  got  a  little bit. You no think it's
enough, somebody else maybe think it's-a too  much,  it's-a  whole
lot  too. Now, it's-a whole lot, it's-a too much, it's-a too much,
it's-a whole lot - same thing.


HAMMER:

The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya?

CHICO:

All right, maybe...

HAMMER:

(interrupts) Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll  explain  this
thing to you.


Hammer and Chico sit down at the table and peruse the map.

HAMMER:

Now  look,  this  is  a  map  and diagram of-of the whole Cocoanut
section. This whole area is within a radius of approximately,  eh,
three- quarters of a mile. Radius.

(beat)  Is  there  a  remote possibility that you know what radius
means?

CHICO:

'At's-a WJZ.

HAMMER:


Well, I walked  right  into  that  one.  It's  gonna  be  a  cinch
explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that.

CHICO:

I catch on quick.

HAMMER:

That's a rodeo you're thinking of. Look, Einstein, here's Cocoanut
Manor.  No  matter  what  you  say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's
Cocoanut Manor, here's Cocoanut Heights - that's the swamp -  and,
eh,  right  over  here  where  the,  where  the road forks, that's
Cocoanut Junction.

CHICO:

Where you got Cocoanut Custard?


HAMMER:

Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife,
so you won't have to worry about that. Now, eh, here is  the  main
road  leading  out  of  Cocoanut Manor. That's the road I wish you
were on. Now, over here, on this site we're gonna build an eye and
ear hospital.  This  is  gonna  be  a  site  for  sore  eyes.  You
understand?

CHICO:

That's-a fine.

HAMMER:

Now, right over here, this is the residential section.

CHICO:


Oh, people live there, eh?

HAMMER:

No,  that's  the stockyard. Now, all along here, this is the river
front. And all along the river, all along the river, those are all
levees.

CHICO:

That's the Jewish neighborhood?

HAMMER:

(pause) Well, we'll Passover that. You're a peach, boy. Now,  here
is  a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to
the mainland.


CHICO:

Why a duck?

HAMMER:

I'm all right, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and
here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

CHICO:

All right, why a duck?

HAMMER:


I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.

CHICO:

All right! Why a duck? It's what... why a duck? Why a no chicken?

HAMMER:

Well, I don't know why a no chicken - I'm a stranger here  myself.
All  I  know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a
chicken and you'll find out why a duck.

CHICO:

I no go someplace, I just...


HAMMER:

(interrupts) It's... It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep
water.

CHICO:

That's why a duck...

HAMMER:

Look... look, suppose you were out horseback riding and  you  came
to  that stream and you wanted to ford over. You couldn't make it,
it's too deep!


CHICO:

Well, why do you want with a Ford if you got a horse?

HAMMER:

Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a
viaduct.

CHICO:

Now, look, all right, I catch on-a why a horse, why a chicken, why
a this, why a that... I no catch on-a why a duck.

HAMMER:


Well, I was only fooling. I-I  was  only  fooling.  They're  gonna
build a tunnel there in the morning. Now, is that clear to ya?

CHICO:

Yes, everything except-a why a duck.

HAMMER:

Well,  that's  fine.  Then  we  can  go ahead with this thing. Now
look... I'm gonna take you down and show you  our  cemetery.  I've
got  a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to
get in, but I like you.

CHICO:

Yeah, you're my friend.


HAMMER:

I like you, and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of 'em.

CHICO:

I know you like me.

HAMMER:

I'm gonna see that you get a steady position.

CHICO:


That's-a good.

HAMMER:

And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.

CHICO:

Yeah, that's it.

HAMMER:

Now, remember, when the auction starts, if somebody says a hundred
dollars ... ?


CHICO:

I say two hundred.

HAMMER:

That's grand. Now, if somebody says two hundred?

CHICO:

I say three hundred.

HAMMER:


That's great! Now, you know how to get down there?

CHICO:

No, I'm a stranger...

They rise. Hammer points.

HAMMER:

Now, look... now look, you go down there, down  that  narrow  path
there  until  you come to the... that little jungle there, you see
it? Where  those  thatched  palms  are...  and  there's  a  little
clearing  there...  a little clearing with a wire fence around it.
With a- You see that wire fence there?

CHICO:


All right. Why a fence?

HAMMER:

Oh, no! We're not gonna go all through that again!

They start to exit.

HAMMER:

You come along with me, and I'll fix you up!

CUT TO:



EXT. - MOMENTS LATER

A crowd stands around under palm trees awaiting the start  of  the
auction.  The  MUSIC  of the song "The Monkey-Doodle-Doo" plays in
the background as  Hammer,  gavel  in  hand,  and  Chico  approach
through the palms.

CHICO:

All right, all right! I know what you mean. Bid 'em up! Go higher!
One say one, two hundred. Two hundred, three hundred.

HAMMER:

That's  it.  Soon  as  you  hear  a  hundred  dollars, you say two
hundred. Someone says two, you say three. Help me  put  this  deal
over and you can have anything you've got.

CHICO:


I got-a nothing.

HAMMER:

Be  alert.  That's  it. Be alert. Be alert or papa don't go out at
all.

CHICO:

All right, I be alert. I don't know what it is, but I be one.

Hammer ascends the little auctioneer's stand from  which  he  will
conduct the auction.

HAMMER:


(to the crowd) All ye suckers who are gonna get trimmed, step this
way  for  the big swindle! Ladies and gentlemen, before proceeding
with the main business of the day, which is the selling  of  these
lots at any price, we are gonna have a little entertainment - very
little.  I  want  to  present  to you Miss Polly Potter, the best-
paying guest in the hotel. In fact, the only paying guest  in  the
hotel. She will sing for you. And for me, too. Miss Potter.

Polly,  radiant  in  a  sun  dress,  smiles and sings the verse of
Irving Berlin's immortal classic "The Monkey-Doodle-Doo" in  front
of a lineup of well-dressed women.

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) Monkeys upon a tree never are very blue They never seem to
be  under  par, that is true Not like the ones you see on a bar in
the zoo Monkeys upon a tree do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo

As she sings the refrain, Polly wiggles her  hips  and  the  women
move off.


POLLY POTTER:

(sings)  Oh,  among the mangoes where the monkey gang goes You can
see them do The little Monkey-Doodle-Doo

Oh, a little monkey playing on his one key Gives them all the  cue
To do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo

Let  me take you by the hand Over to the jungle band If you're too
old for dancing Get yourself a monkey gland And then let's

Go, my little dearie, there's the Darwin theory Telling me and you
To do the Monkey-Doodle-Doo

As she finishes the refrain, women in outrageous  jungle  costumes
fall  in  behind  her  doing  simple repetitive movements as Polly
starts dancing horribly, flouncing her skirt around to reveal  her
panties  with  all the finesse of a 3rd grade ballerina wannabe...
kicks, spins, flapping her arms like a chicken, etc. After about a
chorus and a half of this, the women dance off, leaving  Polly  to
drop to one knee.

We suspect the number is over - but no! To the music of the verse,
the  jungle women dance in and Polly dances out. To a heavy jungle
rhythm, the women do some awful line dancing and arm-waving.


Another refrain begins and  now  normally-dressed  women,  looking
like  flappers,  appear  and  do  more arm-waving. Things get very
crowded and energetic out there  on  that  palm  tree-lined  dance
floor. Finally, they all dance off and the guests applaud.

Hammer,  gavel  in  hand, looks up, waits for the MUSIC to end and
then launches into his spiel.

HAMMER:

(to the crowd) Florida, folks! Singing, dancing and entertainment!
After the entertainment, there'll be sandwiches. But, remember, if
there are no lots sold, there'll be no sandwiches. Florida, folks!
Sunshine, sunshine! Perpetual sunshine all the year around!  Let's
get  the  auction started before we get a tornado. Right this way.
Step forward, everybody. Friends, you are now in  Cocoanut  Manor,
one  of  the  finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a
few finishing touches, but who doesn't? This is the heart  of  the
residential  district.  Every  lot  is  a  stone's  throw from the
station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're going to build
a station. Eight hundred wonderful residences will be built  right
here. Why, they're as good as up. Better. You can have any kind of
a  home you want to. You can even get stucco - Oh, how you can get
stuck-o! Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember
that old saying: "a new boom sweeps clean" and  don't  forget  the
guarantee  -  my personal guarantee: If these lots don't double in
value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now  then,
we'll  take  lot number twenty - lot number twentah - right at the
corner of DeSoto Avenue. Of course, you all know who  DeSoto  was.
He  discovered a body of water. You've all heard of the water that
they named after him, De Soda Water? Now, this lot  has  a  twenty
foot  frontage, a fourteen foot backage and a mighty fine garbage.
Now what am I offered for this lot? Anything at all?  Anything  at
all?

Chico stands in the crowd to the left of the auctioneer's stand.

CHICO:


Two hundred dollars.

HAMMER:

Ah!  A  gentleman  bids  two  hundred  dollars.  Who'll  pay three
hundred?

CHICO:

Three hundred dollars.

HAMMER:

Ha ha ha! Another gentleman says three hundred dollars. Do I  hear
four?


CHICO:

Four hundred dollars.

Hammer rolls his eyes, sinks down, rests his head on his fist.

HAMMER:

(to  the  camera)  Well, the auction is practically over. It's all
over but the shooting. I'll attend to that later.

CHICO:


Five hundred dollars.

HAMMER:

Do I hear six hundred?

CHICO:

Six hundred-dollah.

HAMMER:

Sold for six hundred dollars.


(to Jamison) Wrap up that lot and put some poison ivy on it.

Jamison stands behind Hammer throughout the  scene,  jotting  down
notes in a little book.

JAMISON:

Yes, sir.

Again, Hammer sinks down, rests his head on his fist.

HAMMER:

(to  the camera) Well, I came out even on that one. That was a big
success. Yeah, one more success like that and I'll sell my body to
a medical institute.


(rises, to the crowd) Now, we'll take lot number twenty-one. There
it is, right over there. Right over there, folks, right where that
cocoanut tree is. What am I offered for lot number twenty- one?

CHICO:

Two hundred dollars.

HAMMER:

Why, my friend, there's over two hundred dollars worth of milk  in
those  cocoanuts - and what milk! Milk from contented cow-co-nuts.
Who'll pay three hundred?

A BIDDER stands to the right of the auctioneer's stand.

BIDDER:


Three hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Three hundred dollars!

CHICO:

Four hundred!

HAMMER:

Four hundred!


BIDDER:

Five hundred!

HAMMER:

Five hundred dollars?

CHICO:

Six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred. What the heck I care?

HAMMER:


(to Chico) What the heck do you care?! But how about me?

(to Jamison) Sold to "what the heck" for eight hundred dollars.

(to Chico) I hope all your teeth have cavities and don't forget  -
abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

(sinks, to the camera) When he said "viaduct," I should have smelt
a rat. I did, but I didn't know who it was.

(rises,  to the crowd) Now, we'll take lot number twenty-two. What
am I offered for lot number twenty-two?


MAN IN CROWD:

One hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

(quickly) Sold for one hundred dollars!

CHICO:

(a beat too late) Two hundred dollars!


Hammer shakes Jamison's hand triumphantly.

HAMMER:

(sinks, to camera, smiling) Believe me, you gotta get up early  if
you want to get out of bed.

(rises, to the crowd) Now, we'll take lot number twenty-three-

CHICO:

(interrupts) Two hundred dollars!


HAMMER:

(to  Chico)  Hey,  what are you gonna do with all these lots? Play
lottos?

(to the crowd) Who'll say three hundred?

CHICO:

Four hundred.

HAMMER:


Four hundred? Do I hear five?

BIDDER:

Five hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Five hundred dollars! Sold to this gentlemen-

CHICO:

Six hundred dollars!


BIDDER:

Seven hundred!

HAMMER:

Seven hundred dollars! Sold to this gentlemen-

CHICO:

Eight hundred dollars!

HAMMER:


Do I hear nine? Do I hear nine?

CHICO:

You hear nine, you hear ten.

HAMMER:

(darkly, to Chico) If I hear ten, you'll hear plenty.

(to the bidder) Do I hear nine? Will the gentlemen who said  seven
say  nine? Will the gentlemen who said seven say seven again? Will
you say six?


CHICO:

He say six I say seven.

HAMMER:

Will ya-?

CHICO:

He say seven, I say eight. He say eight, I say nine. I got  plenty
numbers  left.  Huh!  When I start, I no stop-a for nothing. I bid
'em up. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time is go higher.

Chico retreats to a palm tree and leans against it.


HAMMER:

(to Chico) Yeah, you'll go higher when I get a hold of ya.

(to Jamison) Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars.

(to Chico) Get away from that tree before it dies.

Chico moves away from the tree.  Hammer  quietly  ducks  down  and
tries  to  whisper to the nearby bidder. Chico joins them. Hammer,
surprised to see him, laughs self-consciously at Chico but,  after
Chico withdraws, confers quietly with the bidder.


BIDDER:

Fifty dollars!

HAMMER:

Sold for fifty dollars!

CHICO:

(a beat too late) Two hundred dollars!


Hammer rises and taunts Chico.

HAMMER:

(falsetto) Too late! Too late!

Annoyed, Chico gesticulates wildly and stalks off.

HAMMER:

(to  a  bidder) Ah, we'll take lot number twenty-five, right where
you're standing. Will you please  get  your  feet  off  this  lot?
You're getting it all dirty.


(to all) Now, here's a lot, folks. It doesn't look very big on top
but  it's  all yours as far down as you want to go - and it's dirt
cheap. Now, what am I offered for lot number twenty-five? Anything
at all? Who'll start it off? Anyone at all? Anyone at-

(to Jamison) What's become of Peter Rabbit?

(to the crowd) What am I offered for  lot  twenty-five?  Come  on,
folks, you know you're all allowed to bid. This is a free country.
What  am  I offered for lot twenty-five? What am I offered for lot
twenty- five and a year's subscription to Youth's Companion?  Will
somebody  take  a  year's  subscription? I'm trying to work my way
through college. Will somebody take a six month subscription? I'll
go to high school. Does anybody want to buy a lead pencil?

(starts to remove his jacket) I'll wrestle anybody  in  the  crowd
for five dollars.

(Jamison  puts  a  hand  up  to Hammer's shoulder to stop him from
removing his jacket) Well, if there's not going  to  be  any  more
bidding,  I might as well quit. What's the matter with you people?
Can't you visualize bargains? Don't you want to  make  money?  I'm
gonna  try  one more lot and if I don't dispose of this, I'm gonna
fold up. You get me? Now, we're gonna take lot number  twenty-six,
the star lot of the whole proceedings.


(points with gavel, the crowd looks) Here it is, right over there,
where  the stump of that tree is - overlooking the oceanfront, one
of the finest sites in Florida. Now, somebody make me an offer.

BOB ADAMS:

(with Polly on his arm) Two hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Two hundred dollars!

BIDDER:


Three hundred!

HAMMER:

Who'll say four hundred?

HARVEY YATES:

Four hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Four hundred dollars! Now, do I hear-?


(abruptly, to Jamison) Keep Winnie the Pooh outta here,  will  ya?
He'll ruin me.

(to the crowd) Who'll say five hundred?

BOB ADAMS:

Five hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Five hundred dollars! Six? Come on, now.


HARVEY YATES:

Eight hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Eight hundred dollars?

(pats Yates on the head) Now, there's a gentleman with vision.

(strokes Yates' hair) And a nice haircut. There's a gentleman with
vision. Who'll say a thousand?


BOB ADAMS:

One thousand dollars!

HAMMER:

A  thousand?  There's  a gentleman with double vision and a better
haircut. Who'll say eleven hundred?

HARVEY YATES:

Eleven hundred.

HAMMER:


Eleven hundred! There's  a  gentleman  with  astigmatism!  Twelve,
once? Come on, now! Twelve?

BOB ADAMS:

Twelve hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

Twelve, hail and farewell! Who'll say thirteen? Thirteen? Come on!
Thirteen?

Red,  sitting atop a coconut tree with a monkey in his arms, hurls
a coconut down from above.

HARVEY YATES:


I'll bid-

The coconut hits  Yates  in  the  head,  stunning  him  silent  in
mid-sentence.

HAMMER:

Thirteen?  Do  I  hear thirteen? Do I- Twelve? Twelve once, twelve
twice ...

(to Jamison) Sold to Mr. Adams for twelve hundred dollars!

(to Bob) And a mighty fine piece of property you got there, buddy.


(to Jamison) Make a note of that, Jamison.

POLLY POTTER:

(delighted) Oh, Bob! You got it!

HARVEY YATES:

(coming out of a daze, to Hammer) What? What happened?  I  protest
against that! I didn't have a chance to bid.


HAMMER:

(to  Yates)  What do you mean, young man? I want you to understand
that I  don't  discriminate.  You  had  the  same  opportunity  as
everybody else.

Mrs. Potter runs in, extremely agitated.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer! Mr. Hammer! I've been robbed!

The crowd murmurs in shock.

MRS. POTTER:


My necklace - in your hotel!

POLLY POTTER:

Oh, Mother!

MRS. POTTER:

It's worth a hundred thousand dollars!

The crowd murmurs again.

HAMMER:


Was it valuable?

MRS. POTTER:

Was  it  valuable?  I'll  give  a  thousand dollars reward for its
return.

HAMMER:

(to the crowd) You hear that? This little lady has lost a necklace
worth a hundred thousand dollars and she offers a thousand dollars
reward for its return.

CHICO:


Two thousand!

HAMMER:

Sold for two thousand dollars!

(to Jamison) Make a note of that, Jamison.

Hennessy pushes through the crowd.

HENNESSY:

... Comin' through on this. I'll take  charge  of  this.  All  you
people get back and give us plenty of room and keep quiet.


Red wanders in, gesturing to Yates and Penelope.

HENNESSY:

(to Red) Cut that out!

CHICO:

(helps organize the crowd) Come on, get back, get back, everybody,
get back.


Red slaps Hennessy hard on the arm. Hennessy barely reacts but Red
has hurt his own hand and shakes it in pain.

CHICO:

(concerned, to Red) What's-a matter? What, did he hurt you?

Red  demonstrates  what  happened  by hitting Chico who thinks Red
wants to fight.

CHICO:

What's-a matter? No push. Come on, come on.

As they did earlier, Red  and  Chico  square  off  like  two  kids
imitating prizefighters.


CHICO:

All right, all right. Start fighting. Go 'head.

Chico  starts  to  swing, Red kicks him in the pants, Chico swings
and misses.

CHICO:

That's-a rumble a fightcha.

Hennessy grabs Red by the collar and hauls him  away  from  Chico.
Red then turns to Mrs. Potter and starts gesturing wildly.

MRS. POTTER:


Mr. Hammer, what's the matter with him?

HAMMER:

I don't know where he's from. He hasn't any license on.

Red mimes a necklace and beckons Mrs. Potter to follow him.

MRS. POTTER:

(to Red) What is it? What?

Red,  with  one hand over his eyes, moves to the nearby tree stump
and with his free hand fishes inside it and pulls out the necklace
which Mrs. Potter immediately recognizes. Red holds it up  to  his
waist, grins, and wiggles his hips, imitating a belly dancer.


MRS. POTTER:

Yes! That's it! That's it! You dear man.

(hugs and kisses Red, takes

necklace) Oh, I'm so happy. I must kiss you again.

Mrs.  Potter  reaches  out  to Red who makes a face and leans back
ready to sock her. She wisely decides not to kiss him.

HENNESSY:

(interrupts, to Red) So that's it! I saw you  in  that  room  last
night.  Grabbin'  off  stuff  for the reward, eh? Now, then, you -
come clean!


Hennessy points a finger in Red's face. Red  instantly  bites  the
finger  and  grabs  hold of Hennessy's arm as he struggles to pull
away.

HENNESSY:

Hey! Cut- Let go of that!

Chico grabs Red and Hammer grabs Hennessy, trying to pull the  two
men apart.

CHICO:

(to Red) All right, leave him go. Come on, leave him go.

HAMMER:


(helpfully, to Hennessy) Put your foot on it.

Chico pulls Red away and Red sprawls on the ground.

HENNESSY:

(to Red) How'd you know that necklace was there?

HARVEY YATES:

Oh, Officer, may I make a suggestion?


HENNESSY:

What is it?

HARVEY YATES:

Well,  isn't  it  possible  that the gentleman who bought this lot
might know something about it? Why was he so anxious to buy it?

HENNESSY:

(to Bob) How about it, you? Why'd you buy this lot?


BOB ADAMS:

(after a glance at Polly) None of your business.

MRS. POTTER:

He's a desperate character.

POLLY POTTER:

Oh, Mother, he isn't!


MRS. POTTER:

Polly!

HENNESSY:

Whenever a young fella shuts  up  and  won't  say  anything,  I've
noticed it's generally on account of a woman. Who is she?

BOB ADAMS:

None of your business. I won't say a word.

HENNESSY:


(to Bob) You won't say anything ...

(indicates Red) This guy's letting on to be a dummy.

Red,  sitting  on the ground, uses his cane as an oar and pretends
to be rowing a boat - with each stroke,  his  horn  HONKS  and  he
mysteriously slides backwards, slowly exiting from the scene.

HENNESSY:

(indicates Chico) This bird ya can't understand when he does talk.


CHICO:

(with disgust) Ahhh, shalom!

Chico exits.

HENNESSY:

Is there anybody here who will talk?

HAMMER:


I will, but I can't think of anything!

HENNESSY:

(to Bob) Well, if you won't tell me about it, you'll tell somebody
else.

BOB ADAMS:

Here, wait a minute! Do you mean to say that-?

HENNESSY:


That's enough. Come on.

PENELOPE:

(intervenes, to Hennessy) Oh, please, please don't take him.

HENNESSY:

What?

PENELOPE:


(puts  her arm around Bob) Oh, I didn't want you to steal it, Bob.
I'd no idea that you'd do it. Oh, I feel awful.

BOB ADAMS:

(removes her arm from his shoulder) What are you talking about?

POLLY POTTER:

Bob, what does she mean?

MRS. POTTER:


(cautions her daughter) Polly ...

HENNESSY:

So that's it!

PENELOPE:

Oh, it's all my fault. I'd no idea he'd think  that  I  meant  it.
Bob, I didn't want you to do it. I just meant if you could give me
one like it.

BOB ADAMS:


But  wait  a  minute!  Are you accusing me of taking Mrs. Potter's
necklace?

PENELOPE:

Why, I'm taking all the blame myself. I was  joking  and  ...  you
took  me  seriously.  Why,  Bob,  last night when you told me that
you'd taken it, I just couldn't believe it.

BOB ADAMS:

Told you I'd taken what?

(turns to Polly) Why, Polly, she's out of her mind.

MRS. POTTER:


It sounds quite plausible to me.

POLLY POTTER:

Mother!

PENELOPE:

He didn't know what he was doing. I begged him to take it back.

BOB ADAMS:

Say, I'm not gonna stand for any more  of  this.  Why,  the  whole
thing is ridiculous. It's absurd.


(to the crowd) Do you people really think for one moment that-?

Members  of the crowd lower their eyes uncomfortably and turn away
from him.

BOB ADAMS:

Oh, I-I don't care what you think, any of  you.  Polly,  you  know
it's a lie, don't you?

PENELOPE:

It  was  just  a  harmless  flirtation and then, well, he lost his
head.

BOB ADAMS:


(to Polly) Don't you know it's a lie?

POLLY POTTER:

Why, of course I do. You don't think I'd  believe  a  silly  story
like that, do you?

MRS. POTTER:

Polly ...

POLLY POTTER:


Mother, I don't believe it.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Adams, I must ask you never to speak to my daughter again.

BOB ADAMS:

But Mrs. Potter-!

HENNESSY:

Come on, fella!


POLLY POTTER:

(throws her arms around Bob) Bob, I'm going with you!

MRS. POTTER:

(to Polly) You'll stay here!

BOB ADAMS:


Yes,  Polly  ... you stay here. It's only for a little while. Heh.
Why, the whole thing is ridiculous.

HENNESSY:

Ya ready?

BOB ADAMS:

(kisses Polly on the hands

and turns to Hennessy) Yes.

As Bob moves to join Hennessy, Penelope puts a hand on his arm.


PENELOPE:

Oh, I'm so sorry, Bob.

BOB ADAMS:

(pushes her arm away) Don't keep it up any longer.

(to Hennessy) All right.

HENNESSY:


I'll have a confession out of him in half an hour. Come on, you.

Hennessy and Bob exit. Polly tries to follow.

POLLY POTTER:

Bob!

MRS. POTTER:

(grabs Polly and keeps her

from leaving) Will you come back here?!


HAMMER:

(to the crowd, as if nothing

had happened) Now, we'll take lot number twenty-seven.  I've  been
so  unsuccessful  in  disposing of these other lots that I'm gonna
give away a half a pound of tea with every lot that  I  sell  from
now on.

Mrs. Potter holds up a hand to silence Hammer.

MRS. POTTER:

(to  Polly)  There's  only way to wipe out this disgrace. You must
make people forget that you ever knew this young man.


POLLY POTTER:

Mother! What are you saying?

MRS. POTTER:

You see what's come of your way. Now, I'm going to have mine.  Mr.
Yates?

HARVEY YATES:

(smiling) Yes, Mrs. Potter?


MRS. POTTER:

My daughter has reconsidered her answer to you.

POLLY POTTER:

Mother!

MRS. POTTER:

Your engagement will be announced tonight.

HARVEY YATES:


That's wonderful, Polly.

MRS. POTTER:

(to the crowd) I shall give a dinner ... at the hotel.

As  the  crowd  murmurs  its  approval, Hammer leaps down from the
auctioneer's stand,  rubs  his  hands  greedily,  and  joins  Mrs.
Potter.

HAMMER:

A dinner? A dinner? You want the thirty or the forty cent dinner?

MRS. POTTER:


You may invite everyone ...

HAMMER:

It's fifty with Jell-O - and oh, how you can jell-o!

MRS. POTTER:

... in honor of the engagement of my daughter...

HAMMER:

I see.


MRS. POTTER:

... to Mr. Harvey Yates.

HAMMER:

(shakes Yates' hand) Let me be the last to congratulate you.

(shakes  Polly's  hand)  And you, too. I'm sure you'll have a very
dismal wedding with this chap-oh.

The crowd begins to disperse and exit, though some pause to  shake
hands   with   the   lucky   couple  and  offer  sentiments  like,
"Congratulations, Mr. Yates." and "Congratulations, Polly."  Soon,
everyone has exited, leaving Polly alone with Yates.


HARVEY YATES:

Coming, Polly?

POLLY POTTER:

In a minute. Please go ahead.

HARVEY YATES:

Aw, what's the matter, dear?

POLLY POTTER:


Nothing. Please go.

HARVEY YATES:

All right. I'll wait for you.

Yates  exits  as MUSIC begins: a sad instrumental version of "When
My Dreams Come True." Polly,  distressed,  wrings  her  hands  and
begins  to  walk off until she pauses, overcome with tears. As she
sobs, her head lowered, Red enters and approaches her. She doesn't
notice him. After a pause, he impassively reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a lollipop and offers it to her. He taps her  gently  on
the  shoulder  with it and she turns to face him. She looks at the
candy and he mimes licking it, then  holds  it  out  to  her.  She
glances  at  him,  looks again at the candy, looks him in the eyes
and, still crying, puts her head  on  his  shoulder.  Red  remains
impassive as the music and the picture slowly ...

FADE OUT:

FADE IN


EXT. JAIL - LATER THAT DAY


Red  and  Chico,  shushing  each other, hide from view as Hennessy
exits the jail and turns to lock the door. Red and Chico sneak  up
behind  him  and  when  he  turns and tries to pocket the key, Red
positions himself so that Hennessy unknowingly deposits the key in
Red's pocket. Red and Chico watch Hennessy exit.

CHICO:

You get-? You got the key?

Red shushes him and shows him the key.

CHICO:

That's fine! Hey, wait, wait! Look.

(holds up a thin hacksaw blade) I got the saw. Now, you gotta  get
us something, we get-a Bob out. Hurry up.


Red puts the key in the lock, opens the door. He and Chico go into
the jail.

CUT TO:


INT. JAIL - CONTINUOUS

Bob  sits  glumly in a jail cell. Chico enters, looking around. He
spots Bob.

CHICO:

Bob, hey, Bob, hey, Bob!

BOB ADAMS:


Huh?

Bob rises and joins Chico at the cell door. They shake hands.

CHICO:

How do you do, how do you do?

BOB ADAMS:

Hello. What are  you  doing  here?  I  didn't  know  they  allowed
visitors here.

CHICO:


I'm-a no visitor. We come to get you out. We gotta be quick, too.

BOB ADAMS:

Aw,  thanks  very much. You shouldn't've bothered but, er, I might
as well stay here as any other place.

CHICO:

You gotta come out. Uh, uh, Polly, she wants you.

BOB ADAMS:

Polly wants me?


CHICO:

She gotta have  you  ...  because  tonight  she's  gonna  be,  uh,
engaged.

BOB ADAMS:

Engaged?

CHICO:

Yeah,  is gonna be married. Mrs. Potter, she's gonna give a-a big,
ah, engagement dinner.

BOB ADAMS:


Who? To who?

CHICO:

To Polly, Yates to Polly. Everybody's gonna be there. You, too.

BOB ADAMS:

Polly's gonna marry Yates?

CHICO:

That's right. That's right.


BOB ADAMS:

Well, come on, let me out of here. Get me out of here. Quick.

CHICO:

Wait, wait. We get you out.

(calls to Red) Hey, Paisan, bring in the [?]. Come on.  Hurry  up.
Quick, quick.

Red enters carrying a ton of tools: pick-axe, shovel, hammer, hoe,
etc.,  and,  even  as  Chico shushes him, drops them loudly on the
floor. Red and Chico shush each other.

CHICO:


(reassuringly, to Bob) We get you out.

Red holds up a fruit.

CHICO:

Ho ho ho. He's-a no [?].

BOB ADAMS:

No, thanks very much. I don't want anything to eat.

CHICO:


All right.

BOB ADAMS:

Not at a time like this. Come on, hurry up. Get me out of here.

CHICO:

We get you out.

Red holding a large mallet, places his hand above the cell  door's
lock  and,  taking  careful  aim, uses the mallet to smash his own
hand painfully.

CHICO:


What's-a matter? What do you do, heh? Come on, break-a  the  lock.
Come on.

BOB ADAMS:

Hurry.

Red places his hand farther above the cell door's lock and, taking
careful  aim,  uses  the  mallet  to  again  smash  his  own  hand
painfully. Red pushes Chico who pushes back and they start  acting
like prizefighters again.

CHICO:

What's  a  matter with you? What's a matter for you? Come on. Come
on. A rumble.

Chico starts to swing, Red kicks him in the  pants,  Chico  swings
and misses.

BOB ADAMS:


Stop fighting! This is no time to fight. Come on. Hurry up. Get me
out of here, quick.

Red produces a large key ring.

BOB ADAMS:

Oh, come on, hurry, hurry.

Red puts a key in the lock and easily opens the cell door.

CHICO:

Heh heh heh! Come on, hurry up, while everybody's away. Come on.

Chico  leads  Bob  out  of  the cell and they exit. Meanwhile, Red
enters the cell, purposefully shuts the door behind him and  waves
goodbye.  Suddenly, he realizes he's locked himself in and panics,
HONKING his horn for help. But then he grabs one of  the  bars  of
the  cell and it instantly snaps off. He easily climbs through the
open space to freedom, grinning like a maniac.


FADE OUT:

FADE IN


INT. FRONT DESK - NOT LONG AFTER

The phone rings. Hammer enters and answers.

HAMMER:

(into the phone) Is that so? Well, I'll attend to that.


(hangs up; calls out) Boy!

The lone male bellboy enters and salutes.

HAMMER:

It's been reported to me that there's a poker  game  going  on  in
room four-twenty. You go up there and knock on the door and see if
you can get me a seat.

BELLBOY:

(saluting) Yes, sir.


OUTSIDE ON THE TERRACE:

Red  enters and moves to the open hotel door, whistles and beckons
to Hammer.

AT THE FRONT DESK:

HAMMER:

(to Red) Me? All right, I'll be right over.

Hammer starts off.


OUTSIDE ON THE TERRACE:

Chico has joined Red and they beckon to Bob who enters.

CHICO:

All right, Bob. Coast is clear. Nobody around. It's-a fine, huh?

Hammer enters and joins Red, Chico and Bob. He shakes Bob's hand.

CHICO:

Here he is. We got him. Yeah, we got him all right.


HAMMER:

(to Bob) Hello, you out on parole?

BOB ADAMS:

No, these two gentlemen helped me to get out.  I'm  ever  so  much
obliged to you, Mr. Hammer. They told me it was your idea. I can't
begin to thank you.

Bob shakes Chico's hand.

CHICO:


That's  all  right.  Maybe  you  do as much for me sometime. Well,
ariva-darchy! Goodbye!

HAMMER:

Ariva-darchy.

Chico exits into the hotel, leaving Bob with Hammer and Red.

BOB ADAMS:

(to Red) I can't begin to thank you.

Bob shakes Red's hand. When Bob let's go, Red has Bob's wristwatch
between his fingers. Bob chuckles and retrieves his watch  as  Red
tries  to  put  it  on his own wrist. Hammer checks his pockets to
make sure he, too, hasn't been robbed, finds a wad of cash, stuffs
it into another pocket for safekeeping and tucks  a  tail  of  his
coat  between his legs. Red pulls Hammer's necktie from his pocket
and offers it to him. Hammer clutches at his throat, realizes  his
necktie  has  been stolen, snatches it away from Red and begins to
put it on.


HAMMER:

Why, that's polygamy!

BOB ADAMS:

Believe me, it's no fun being in jail.

HAMMER:

Jail is no place for a young fella. There's no advancement.

BOB ADAMS:


But, seriously, Mr. Hammer, you know that story of Penelope's  was
all a lie, don't you?

HAMMER:

Now,  what's the use of worrying? Silly to worry, isn't it? You're
gone today and here tomorrow.

BOB ADAMS:

But you know it was a lie. How'm I gonna prove it?

Red whistles, pulls a folded piece of paper from  his  pocket  and
offers it to Bob.

BOB ADAMS:


What is it?

Bob unfolds the paper and reads it.

BOB ADAMS:

(reads) "Silent Red wanted by the police."

Red  snatches  the  paper  away.  Wrong paper. He reaches into his
pockets for  something  else  and  various  items  start  dropping
noisily  to the floor: an alarm clock, fruit, silverware, etc. The
three men scramble around trying to pick these things up. Some  of
the dialogue is drowned out by the clatter of the falling objects.

HAMMER:

What's  going  on here? [?] are dropping from on high here. What's
this? A grapefruit. A coffee pot. A [?].


Hammer and Bob stand with their hands full. Red still searches his
pockets.

HAMMER:

Well... I hope I still got my underwear on. You know ..

Red pulls Hammer's underwear from one of his pockets and offers it
to him.

HAMMER:

Come here with that.

Hammer snatches the underwear away from Red and stuffs it  in  his
pants.

HAMMER:


I felt kind of flimsy.

(suddenly) Bob!

BOB ADAMS:

Yes, sir?

HAMMER:

Go  upstairs  and  count  the  rooms.  I  think the third floor is
missing.

Hammer dumps most of his objects into an oversized decorative vase
nearby.


HAMMER:

I'll put this stuff in here until I get ready to go upstairs. Wait
just a moment.

(reads off  a  couple  of  knives)  "Blackstone  Hotel,  Chicago"?
"Statler Hotel, Cleveland"? Those are mine! Can you imagine that?

Red hands Bob another piece of paper.

HAMMER:

That's more papers ... than I've ever seen.

Bob unfolds the paper and reads it:


BOB ADAMS:

"Grenada Road. Cocoanut Road."

Using his teeth, Red snatches the handkerchief out of Bob's breast
pocket.  Bob  retrieves it and places it in his jacket's right hip
pocket but Red reaches all the way around Bob's waist and pulls it
out as soon as he pockets it.

BOB ADAMS:

"Grenada Road. Cocoanut R-"

Bob sees that Red has swiped the handkerchief, chuckles, retrieves
it again and stuffs it into his breast pocket. Red helps him stuff
it in and then instantly removes it again.

BOB ADAMS:


"Grenada R-"

Bob sees Red still has the handkerchief and takes it back.

HAMMER:

(to Bob) Hey, if you get it twice more, you're allowed to keep it.

Bob stuffs the handkerchief into his pocket as Red holds up  Bob's
wristwatch.  Bob  takes the watch and pockets it. Hammer laughs at
this until Red pulls out Hammer's necktie again.

HAMMER:

Come here with that, will ya? Well-


(takes necktie and starts

to put it on) You can beat that but you can't tie it.

After tying his tie, Hammer feels in his mouth and looks  shocked.
He  starts  peering at the floor, looking for something. Bob helps
him look. After a moment,  Red  pulls  a  lower  bridge  from  his
pocket.  Hammer  sees  it,  takes it, appears horrified, turns his
back to the camera and puts his teeth back  into  his  mouth.  Bob
reads from the paper again:

BOB ADAMS:

"Grenada Road-"

HAMMER:

Don't,  don't.  Don't talk. He'll take the words right out of your
mouth.


BOB ADAMS:

"Grenada-"

Red offers Bob his handkerchief, stolen from Bob's hip pocket. Bob
takes it and stuffs it in his breast pocket.

BOB ADAMS:

"Grenada Road. Cocoanut Road. Hollow stump. Jewels."

(to Red) Tell me, where did you find this?

HAMMER:


That's a great guy you picked to ask.

BOB ADAMS:

(insistent, to Red) Where did you find this?

Red leans in and appears to whisper into Bob's ear -  but  instead
of whispering, he merely HONKS his horn a few times. Bob gives him
a look, then turns to Hammer.

BOB ADAMS:

Mr.  Hammer, whoever drew this knows something about that robbery.
Look...

FAST FADE OUT:


FADE IN


EXT. HOTEL TERRACE - THAT NIGHT

MUSIC in. Aerial view of  chorus  girls  moving  in  kaleidoscopic
patterns in the style of Busby Berkely's choreography. DISSOLVE TO
a  side  view  as  the  number  continues. Hotel guests dressed in
vaguely Spanish or South American styles  look  on  as  the  girls
dance.  At one point, we cut away to a man wooing a woman behind a
rococo gate. The girls now dance in  a  line  before  the  guests,
doing  a  lot of synchronized arm-waving and leg-kicking. When the
number ends, there is a pause as the camera tracks forward and the
girls look up at the sound of Polly's  voice  singing  a  sad  but
hopeful  refrain  of  "When  My  Dreams Come True." We pan up to a
balcony railing where Polly stands, wearing  a  spangled  hat  and
low-cut gown.

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) The skies will all be blue When my dreams come true

And I'll be smiling through When my dreams come true


That  Spanish  castle  I built in my mind Will be a love nest, the
practical kind

And I'll be there with you When my dreams come true

Polly sighs and the song comes to an end.

CUT TO.

DOWNSTAIRS:

To the MUSIC of Irving Berlin's "Tango Melody," Mrs. Potter stands
with Harvey Yates greeting the dinner guests. Penelope enters  and
shakes hands with her.

MRS. POTTER:


Penelope, dear. So good of you to come.

PENELOPE:

Thanks so much, Mrs. Potter. Oh, isn't this lovely? You're a lucky
boy, Harvey.

HARVEY YATES:

Yes.

PENELOPE:

I know the party's going to be a great success.


MRS. POTTER:

I hope so.

MALE GUEST:

Hello, Penelope.

PENELOPE:

Oh, hello. I didn't know you were going to be here.

MALE GUEST:


Anywhere that you are.

PENELOPE:

Ha ha. Oh.

Penelope  and the guest walk off, arm in arm. Jamison enters in an
Argentinean gaucho outfit.

JAMISON:

How do you do?

MRS. POTTER:


How do you do? Is Mr. Hammer coming?

JAMISON:

Mr. Hammer? Yes. He'll be here directly.

Jamison walks off. Hammer enters, wearing  a  fez  with  extremely
long  tassels  and shoulder pads worthy of a football player, much
to the amusement of Mrs. Potter who can't stop laughing at him.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer, your costume's wonderful.

HAMMER:


This costume has been condemned by Good Housekeeping.

MRS. POTTER:

I love the color scheme.

HAMMER:

That isn't a scheme, that's a conspiracy.

LACKEY:

(announcing the next guest) Signor Chico Joseph Mala  di  Acounia,
Count di Elisinore!


HAMMER:

On track twenty-five!

Chico enters in a stylish, caped costume, grandly speaking Italian
gibberish  to  a  smiling Mrs. Potter, and kisses her on the hand.
Hammer taps him on the shoulder.

HAMMER:

Listen, Count, as soon as the guests leave, I'd like you  to  take
the ashes out.

CHICO:

Ah, shalom!


LACKEY:

(announcing  the  next guest) It is His Excellency, the Ambassador
from San Rafaelo, Signor T. Harpano!

Red enters, smoking a lengthy cigarette, HONKING his  horn,  slyly
checking  out  the  female  guests.  Sombrero in hand and grinning
broadly, he approaches Harvey Yates. They stare at one  another  a
moment  and  then Red drops his hat. As Yates bends to pick it up,
the hat instantly pops back into Red's hand - thanks to an elastic
band. Red moves on to Mrs. Potter, puts the sombrero on  his  head
and  kisses her hand - then takes her forearm and puts his knee up
to it, threatening to break it in half. Yates pulls him away.  Red
shakes  Yates'  hand and, putting the cigarette back in his mouth,
joins Hammer, Chico and Jamison. Red hands Hammer his leg.  Hammer
pushes it away.

HAMMER:

Hey, nix on that stuff.

The  "Tango  Melody"  MUSIC  fades  away  as  Red blows smoke into
Hammer's face.

HAMMER:


Sure 'n' it's just the breath of old Ireland. I  can  see  me  old
mother  coming  down  the old peat bog and I can see the ... I can
see the old ...

Red whistles a jaunty Irish air and quickly he, Chico and  Jamison
are  dancing a fling. Finally, Hammer joins in wordlessly crooning
"Pop Goes the Weasel" and the four do-si-do.

HAMMER:

... goes the weasel!

They stop and watch as Red snatches a fruit from a punch  bowl  on
the  tray of a passing waiter, crushes it, and lets the juice pour
out of his hand,  on  to  the  floor  and  into  his  mouth.  Thus
fortified, Red whistles and hops away.

HAMMER:

(off the departing Red) There goes the weasel now.


Hammer  and Chico watch with concern as Hennessy enters and shakes
hands with Mrs. Potter.

MRS. POTTER:

I'm awfully glad you came, Mr. Hennessy.

HENNESSY:

That's all right, madam. At a party like this, you've got to  have
the  Law  around. Now, a nice woman like you needs protection. And
I'm here to see  that  ya  get  it.  There's  a  couple  of  shady
characters hangin' around that I'm going to keep an eye on.

Hennessy  spots  Chico and Red with the key to the jail and rushes
over to them.

HENNESSY:


(to Chico) What's that you gave him?

CHICO:

I no give nothing!

HENNESSY:

You give me that!

CHICO:


I no give nothing!

HENNESSY:

You give me that key. Give me that, I tell you!

Hennessy struggles briefly with Red  and  Chico  and  gets  turned
around.  Red  steals  the  shirt  out  from under Hennessy's vest.
Hennessy discovers the theft.

HENNESSY:

Who got my shirt?! What's become of my shirt? I want my shirt!

HAMMER:


Hey! ... You've lost your shirt.

HENNESSY:

Yes.

HAMMER:

Uh, can you describe this shirt?

HENNESSY:

What's that?


Chico unbuttons Hennessy's vest to expose his undershirt.

HAMMER:

Come here. Now, look. This cross...

Hammer draws a cross on Hennessy's undershirt with a crayon.

HAMMER:

This cross marks the spot where the shirt was last seen.

Chico draws another cross, thus forming a tic-tac-toe diagram.

HENNESSY:


Cut that out.

HAMMER:

Now, remain quiet, will you, please?

Hammer  and  Chico  play  tic-tac-toe  on  a  stunned   Hennessy's
undershirt  then  scribble wildly. Hennessy frantically closes his
vest.

HENNESSY:

Just as I thought. You birds are all in on this thing  and  you're
all trying to keep me from finding my shirt.

HAMMER:


(rushes up to Hennessy, indignant) That's a lie, you whelp!

(suddenly walks away, hands

behind  his back) Whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp, whelp,
whelp.

HENNESSY:

I want my shirt!

HAMMER:


He wants his shirt.

HENNESSY:

I want my shirt!

HAMMER:

He wants his shirt.

Red approaches Hennessy and shakes his hand as the musical  number
"The  Tale  of  a Shirt" begins. The entire melody is based on two
popular themes from Bizet's opera Carmen - with special lyrics  by
Irving Berlin.

GUESTS:


(singing) He wants his shirt.

HENNESSY:

(singing) I want my shirt!

GUESTS:

(singing) He wants his shirt.


HENNESSY:

(singing) I want my shirt!

GUESTS:

(singing) He wants his shirt.

HENNESSY:


(singing)  I  want  my  shirt!  I want my shirt! I'll not be happy
without my shirt!

GUESTS:

(singing) He wants his shirt! He wants  his  shirt!  He  can't  be
happy without his shirt!

HENNESSY:

(singing) I want my shirt!


GUESTS:

(singing) He wants his shirt! He won't be happy without his shirt!

Red  shows off his own shirtfront to Hennessy. Hennessy recognizes
it as his own shirt. Red pulls his shirtfront out to  reveal  that
it  is  indeed  Hennessy's shirt, all folded up. Red hands it to a
delighted Hennessy.

GUESTS:

(singing) He wants his shirt! He wants  his  shirt!  He  won't  be
happy till he finds his shirt!

Hennessy holds up his shirt to the guests.


GUESTS:

(singing) He's got it! He's got it! He's got it!, etc.

HENNESSY:

(singing  happily)  I  found my shirt! Thank God I found my shirt!
I've got my shirt! I've found my  shirt!  You'll  never  know  how
deeply I was hurt. I thought I'd lost my shirt! It was given to me
by ... my brother Bert!

GUESTS:


(singing) His brother Bert!

HENNESSY:

(singing) That's why I love this shirt!

GUESTS:

(singing) The beautiful shirt!


HENNESSY:

(singing) My shirt!

GUESTS:

(singing) The wonderful shirt!

HENNESSY:


(singing) Now, that I've found my shirt ...

ALL:

(singing) Good-bye!

The song ends and Hennessy makes a goofy but triumphant exit.

HAMMER:

(to  the  crowd)  And,  uh,  now,  friends,  now  that we've found
Hennessy's shirt, would you all mind looking for a collar button I
lost here? Size thirteen and a half.


MRS. POTTER:

Now, ladies and gentlemen,  if  you'll  all  find  places  at  the
tables, we'll have a short entertainment before supper.

CHICO:

Eats! Eats! Eats! Come on!

Red and Chico run off. Hammer confers with Mrs. Potter.

HAMMER:

How  about  you  and  I giving this joint the air and indulging in
some snappy necking?


MRS. POTTER:

Wha-a-at?!

Hammer rushes over to a long dining table at which Yates and Polly
are seated. Mrs. Potter joins him. He sits  at  the  head  of  the
table,  with  Red, Chico and Penelope on his right and Mrs. Potter
standing at his left, next  to  Yates,  Polly  and  Jamison.  Mrs.
Potter taps on the table for the guests' attention.

MRS. POTTER:

Ladies  and  gentlemen,  Mr.  Hammer  will  now  act  as Master of
Ceremonies. Mr. Hammer.

Applause for the reluctant Hammer who finally stands on his chair.
Mrs. Potter sits.

HAMMER:


Ladies and gentlemen ...

CHICO:

Two hundred dollars!

HAMMER:

In behalf of the Rotary Club of Minneapolis, I wanted to take this
occasion of welcoming you to Waukegan ... No, no, I, er,  I  mean,
in  recognition of my many years of service with the railroad, you
have presented me with these ties. Now, that, of  course,  reminds
me of the story of the Irishman.

Hammer laughs. The guests laugh. Hammer keeps laughing.

HAMMER:


It's  so  funny.  I  wish  I  could think of it. Oft in the stilly
night, the trembling of a leaf can be heard, sighing  through  the
trees, and the babbling brook as it wends its way onward, babbling
and ...

Red,  a  peeved  look on his face, rises slowly, casts a glance in
Hammer's direction, and then staggers  off.  Hammer,  puffing  his
cigar, watches him go.

HAMMER:

Well,  I got rid of one. And one like that is worth three ordinary
ones. Where was I? Oh, yes, on this chair, that's right. Heh heh.

(monotone announcer's voice) Western Capital opened at fifteen and
a quarter, yearlings and spring veal showed a firm tone, and  eggs
were a little touchy on a falling market.

(resumes conversational tone) Well, my mother and father talked it
over  and they finally moved to New York. They took a little house
in the Bronx. And it was in that little house that Abraham Lincoln
was born. Much to my father's surprise. And that, boys and  girls,
was  the  beginning  of  the Lincoln Highway. And now, friends, in
view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated
here tonight, so to speak...


Red returns to his seat.

HAMMER:

... I think a few words from her mother would be revolting. I  now
take  great  pleasure in presenting to you, the well-preserved and
partially-pickled Mrs. Potter.

(leads the guests into applause) Come on now, give the little girl
a big hand.

Applause for Mrs. Potter who rises, smiling.

CHICO:


Speech. Speech. Great speech. Speech. Speech.

Hammer sits.

MRS. POTTER:

My good, good friends ... If I could only tell you  how  rosy-hued
everything seems to be tonight.

Red  rises,  more  peeved than before, and, after a glance at Mrs.
Potter, staggers away again. Meanwhile, Hammer sits glumly on  the
back of his chair.

MRS. POTTER:

As  I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The
whole world and everything in it is bathed  in  a  soft,  glowing,
luminous haze.


HAMMER:

The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows.

MRS. POTTER:

And  now  I  want to wish you all a most enjoyable evening. As for
myself, I'm sad.

A drunken Red staggers back to his seat and applauds weakly before
instantly dozing off.

MRS. POTTER:

I simply can't go any farther.


Mrs. Potter sits.

CHICO:

(to Mrs. Potter) I'll get off with you.

HAMMER:

(stands atop his  chair)  Now,  friends,  I  want  to  take  great
pleasure  in  presenting  to  you the groom, Mr. Yates. Mr. Harvey
Yates.

Hammer leads the guests into applause and sits as Yates rises. But
before Yates can say anything, Hammer pops up again.


HAMMER:

Good evening, radio fans. We are now back in the studio. Stand  by
for your station announcer.

Hammer sits on the back of his chair.

HARVEY YATES:

My dear, dear friends ...

Red  slowly  rises,  now  sporting  a behemoth peeve, and, after a
backward glance at Yates, stumbles away again. This  time  we  see
where he has been stumbling: over to a punch bowl.

HARVEY YATES:


I, er, I, er...

At the punch bowl, Red waves dismissively in Yates' direction.

HARVEY YATES:

I, er, really don't know what to say ...

CHICO:

Well, shut up!

HAMMER:


What a splendid suggestion.

CHICO:

(rises, shakes Hammer's hand) Good, eh?

Chico sits. Yates struggles on with his speech.

HARVEY YATES:

I  feel  highly  honored,  but  I'm  afraid, uh, I'm not much of a
speechmaker. Nevertheless, Mr. Hammer, it was very nice of you  to
call on me.

HAMMER:


You must call on me sometime.

HARVEY YATES:

I was just about to say...

HAMMER:

Yes, come up and see my flower beds.

HARVEY YATES:

What I intended to... say was...


HAMMER:

I want you to see my pansies.

HARVEY YATES:

Well, uh...

HAMMER:

I have short pansies and long pansies.

HARVEY YATES:


I was just going to say that...

HAMMER:

Next spring I'm going to get some early bloomers.

A  thoroughly inebriated Red wobbles quickly back to the table and
collapses into his seat, apparently asleep.

HARVEY YATES:

As I was about to say...

Red immediately pops up. Everyone watches as  he  quickly  wobbles
back to the punch bowl.


HAMMER:

There seems to be a steady stream flowing in and out over there.

HARVEY YATES:

I  wouldn't  dream  of  taking  up any more of your time. I merely
wanted to thank you all...

HAMMER:

Yeah...

HARVEY YATES:


And, uh, as I said before, I hadn't intended to make a  speech  at
all.

HAMMER:

Well, you certainly succeeded!

Yates sits. Hammer rises.

HAMMER:

Now, friends, the-

Red returns to his seat and silently belches a couple of times.

MRS. POTTER:


Now, what's the matter with him?

HAMMER:

That's that good Gulf Gas.

Tipsy  Red tips over and hits his head on Penelope's shoulder. She
pushes him away and he loses his hat onto Chico who returns it  to
Red's head.

MRS. POTTER:

(to Penelope) I'm so sorry.


Red  bangs  on  his  own  kneecaps  to  test his reflexes. Nothing
happens. Then he pokes  himself  in  the  chest.  Then  he  whacks
Penelope's  knee  which  causes her leg to jump. Her foot rests on
Red's knee and he touches her ankle. Penelope slaps Red.

CHICO:

(cautions Red) Hey, hey, what do you do? No good.

Red dismissively waves off Penelope and puts his leg  on  Chico's.
Chico pushes it off.

CHICO:

Come on, that's-a no good.


Again,  Red  puts  his leg on Chico's. Again, Chico pushes it off.
Then, they trade legs and  arms  and  heads,  wrapping  themselves
around each other.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer!

Penelope  pulls  them  apart  and Red tries to wrap himself around
her.

MRS. POTTER:

Mr. Hammer, can't you do something?

HAMMER:


I don't have to. They're doing plenty.

CHICO:

(to Red) Stop!

Red belches silently again.

MRS. POTTER:

Oh, this is awful.

Red rises and leans over the table to Polly, gesturing for her  to
leave.  She  somehow  understands  him  and sneaks out of the room
during the following. Red waves goodbye to her and returns to  his
seat.


HAMMER:

Now,  uh,  ladies  and  gentlemen, the, er, the first musical, er,
number that, uh, we intend to portray will be the,  uh,  beginning
and the ending of the very-

(to  Red,  shaking  his  shoulder)  We're gonna have music! Music!
Gonna have music!

Red resumes his behemoth peeve, rises and staggers slowly  to  the
punch bowl.

HAMMER:

(to  the  guests) Now, uh, the first musical number on the program
will be a piccolo solo which we will skip.  And,  uh,  the  second
number will be Signor Pastrami, the Lithuanian pianist.


Hammer  leads  the guests' applause for Chico who rises, bows, and
sits.

HAMMER:

(to the guests) The Signor, for his first selection, will play  "A
Cup of Coffee, A Sandwich and You" from the opera Aida.

(to Chico) Signor, allow me to escort you to the dais.

Chico rises and Hammer hops off his chair and the two walk off.

MRS. POTTER:


(rises, grandly) Oh, Signor Pastrami... What is the first number?

Chico is now seated at a grand piano, surrounded by guests.

CHICO:

(holds a finger in the air) Number one!

Chico  turns to the keyboard, nods to the guests and plays a verse
and two choruses of Victor Herbert's "Gypsy Love Song" - the first
chorus in a classical style, the second  in  a  more  upbeat  jazz
idiom.  Chico,  smiling  and  looking  around  occasionally at the
guests, uses his patented "shooting the keys"  technique.  At  the
end,  he rises and bows twice as the guests applaud. He returns to
his seat and Polly re-enters, returning to hers.

HAMMER:


(to the guests) And now, friends, I  want  to  present  to  you  a
charming little lady.

Red rises from his seat, removes his hat and takes a bow.

HAMMER:

(to Red) Down in front.

CHICO:

Hey. Sit down.


Chico pulls Red back down.

HAMMER:

(to the guests) The little lady who is to become Mrs. Harvey Yates
- over my dead body.

Applause for Polly who rises and addresses the guests.

POLLY POTTER:

I  know  I  have the sincere wishes of all my friends and can only
tell you how much I appreciate it. I think I can honestly say this
is the happiest moment of my life. Look what I have here!

Polly unfolds a piece of paper. Yates looks  at  it  with  horror.
It's  a  map he drew of the Cocoanut Manor grounds in a scene that
appeared in the play but somehow is missing from the  film.  Yates
shoots  a  glance  at Penelope and then, using his eyes, draws her
attention to the map in Polly's hands. Polly continues to speak as
the guests listen intently and Yates quietly rises and exits.


POLLY POTTER:

It's a little engagement present just given me by  Mr.  Yates.  He
wrote  it  just  now.  But  he  wrote  another  yesterday when the
necklace was stolen. They are both in his handwriting.

(Polly has both maps) Let me read it to you. It shows how  to  get
to  Cocoanut  Manor  and  the hollow tree stump and reads: "Hollow
stump. Jewels."

MRS. POTTER:

(rises) I don't believe it.

POLLY POTTER:


(hands maps to Mrs. Potter) See for yourself.

JAMISON:

(rises) Yates is gone!

HAMMER:

(rises) Yates is gone? And I gave him a check this morning  for  a
thousand dollars! It's a good thing it was my personal check.


Bob enters wearing a tuxedo.

BOB ADAMS:

Oh,  Mr.  Hammer...  There's a man outside wants to see you with a
black mustache.

HAMMER:

Tell him I've got one.

BOB ADAMS:

Well, I think you will want to see him. His name is  Mr.  John  W.
Berryman.   He   has  accepted  my  architectural  plans  for  the
development of Cocoanut Manor.


HAMMER:

(shakes Bob's hand) Well, happy days, old boy.

BOB ADAMS:

Thank you, thank you.

CHICO:

(rises, shakes Bob's hand) Bravo, Galizianer!


Red remains seated but shakes a bottle at Bob in congratulations.

BOB ADAMS:

He also wants to know if you can accommodate four  hundred  guests
for the weekend.

HAMMER:

Four hundred guests?

Hammer runs away and exits.

CHICO:


Four hundred guests?

Chico  rises  and runs away and exits. Red grabs the large flowery
centerpiece from the table, puts it on his  head  and  runs  after
Hammer and Chico, exiting.

MRS. POTTER:

What in the world's the matter with them? What is it?

POLLY POTTER:

Now, Mother you must admit you were mistaken.

MRS. POTTER:


(extends a hand to Bob) Mr. Adams, how can you ever forgive me?

BOB ADAMS:

(takes and kisses Mrs.

Potter's hand) Oh, please, Mrs. Potter ...

Penelope looks worried.

MRS. POTTER:


Ladies  and gentlemen, you're all invited to attend the wedding of
my daughter. The wedding will take place exactly as planned - that
is, with the exception of a slight change: she will be married  to
Mr. Robert Adams.

Guests  murmur,  then cheer and applaud, waving hats as they stand
on the balcony above.

GUESTS:

Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

Bob and Polly stand together with the bridesmaids as MUSIC begins.

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) The skies will all be blue When my dreams come true


DISSOLVE TO another part of the  hotel  where  Hennessy  lights  a
cigarette   for  Penelope  who  sits  next  to  Yates,  handcuffed
together. Annoyed, Penelope blows smoke in Yates'  face.  Hennessy
laughs at his prisoners.

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) And I'll be smiling through When my dreams come true

DISSOLVE  TO  Jamison, Red, Hammer and Chico (a.k.a. Zeppo, Harpo,
Groucho and Chico - the Marx  Brothers)  as  they  stand  together
smiling  happily  and  shaking one another's hands. They peer into
the camera which PULLS BACK slightly as they wave good-bye.

POLLY POTTER:


(sings) That Spanish castle I built in my  mind  Will  be  a  love
nest, the practical kind

DISSOLVE  TO Bob with his arm around Polly. They hold hands as she
finishes the song.

POLLY POTTER:

(sings) And I'll be there with you When my dreams come true

FADE OUT:


A title appears over a very cloudy sky:

The  END:

DISSOLVE TO the Paramount corporate logo.